


Twin sized mattress

by aveclesmuguets



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Bi remus lupin, Chronic Illness, F/M, Gay Sirius Black, Good Peter Pettigrew, M/M, Remus Lupin POV, Texting, Walburga and Orion are assholes, he’s a teenager and a marauder, modern-au, slow to develop relationship, spoonie, tw: child abuse, tw: childhood trauma, tw: kidnapping and implied rape, tw: self harm and depression, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2019-11-05 14:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 26
Words: 25,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17920562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aveclesmuguets/pseuds/aveclesmuguets
Summary: All of Sirius and Remus’ best conversations tend to happen on Remus’ twin sized mattress. Eventual wolfstar.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This might be trash but I had this modern AU idea and I just wanted to shed some love on some Moony/Padfoot friendship and eventually romance.  
> Inspired by the song “twin sized mattress” by the front bottoms

_ Remus Lupin to James Potter and Peter Pettigrew _

_ 22:47  _ S.O.S. Code Black. Code all codes!!! Padfoot needs us! My house ASAP!! No my house 10 minutes ago!!!

 

Remus looks up from his phone paling at his friend who is sat on his bed staring into space with an expression he’s only seen once before. For a half hour ago, one of Remus’ best friends showed up at his door. It took Remus a minute to recognize him. His long shoulder length raven hair had been cut nearly to his scalp, his face was void of any laugh lines regularly there, his grey eyes empty, and there was blood—oh God whose blood was it? 

 

This wasn’t just another fight with his brother, Regulus, or a tiff at a bar. Sirius hadn’t crawled through Remus’ bedroom window like he had since they were eleven. He had calmly knocked on the door, quarter past ten, like he was coming to collect Remus for school. Hope Lupin had answered, wide eyed and motherly instantly. At the mention of calling the police or EMS, Sirius’ expressionless face had gone to panic. Remus, who had come down to see who was calling so late, had sent Sirius up to room, the smaller boy silently obeying. Remus spoke to his mom in hushed tones, Hope yielding to her too-wise son but not before handing him a first aid kit, some peroxide, and kissing his forehead despite Remus’ most recent growth spurt and embarrassed protests. 

 

Numbly, Remus had walked up to his room. He found himself apprehensive at the sight of his shut door. Pushing it open, he had found Sirius dejectedly seated on the edge of the bed. He seemed to be staring at the small speckle of stars visible out Remus’ window. Was his own star out there? Remus was always bad at astrology, never caring much for the night sky. 

 

“I-is….” Remus started but shook his head. He cleared his throat. “Where are you hurt?” Without a word Sirius lifted his shirt to reveal already black and blue skin. Remus let out a hiss as he saw the cuts, mostly scabbed up with dried blood at this point. They covered his back, chest, and stomach; had the Blacks intended to—Remus cut that thought off immediately. 

 

Remus couldn’t stop his wondering if it was Walburga with her nails or Orion with his belt and cane. Remus had discovered what went on in the confines of the Black house when they were thirteen. It was a low spoons day for Remus and he begrudgingly had to use his walking stick at school. Sirius hadn’t been able to hide the panic that came over his face when he saw his friend leaning against it before school. It wasn’t concern like Peter or James gave— for Remus had hidden the extent of his illness well in the two years they had been friends. It was a face much like the one he had now, lost in his thoughts, angry and scared, but mostly numb. In the quiet of the afternoon, laying in the grass after school, Remus and Sirius had shared secrets. Whispers between each other until night had fallen. They had grown closer that day, silently vowing to protect each other. 

 

“There. That’s better.” Remus sighed as he threw the last bloodied cotton ball into his trash can. Sirius has still refused to speak. “Shall I message Prongs and Wormtail?” Sirius gave the smallest inclination of his head. 

 

So here they were, silently sat next to each other, awaiting the last two Marauders to arrive. James and Peter lived next door to each other and, assuming they could both sneak out, they would arrive together. 

 

Remus looked over at his friend, slowly getting used to the new features he could see with the mask of hair gone. With his t-shirt back on someone who didn’t know the boy, so lively and carefree, wouldn’t assume anything wrong.  _ Oh what did they do to you, Padfoot.  _ Remus wondered. 

 

There was a soft rap on the window. Remus tried not to move too quickly and startle Sirius. He was happy to see the remaining two Marauders, especially Prongs who seemed to have a special connection of his own with Sirius.

They had all met their first day at Hogwarts in homeroom with Professor McGonagall. The Scottish strict-looking woman had been going on and on about their new home—Gryffindor, the lions—and how she expected nothing less than good marks and top points from her students. Sirius had discreetly leaned over to Remus and James passing a paper to them  _ Does Professor McGoo remind anyone else of a very strict cat?  _ They tried not to laugh, looking over at Peter who it later turned out had been the one to lean over and whisper his observation to Sirius—though he does maintain he had used McGonagall’s proper name. Sirius and James has hit it off at lunch that day, discussing football and family legacies at Hogwarts. 

 

“I don’t know what happened to him. It’s bad though. He showed up all bloody and hasn’t said a word.” Remus whispered as he unlatched the window for them. 

 

James nodded almost imperceptibly and in no time crossed over to sit on Remus’ bed taking a spot right next to Sirius. Peter looked up at Remus unsure and without speaking they both climbed on the bed too. Remus wasn’t sure how much time passed as Sirius stared off, James occasionally whispering encouraging words. Finally, in a raspy voice Sirius spoke.

 

“Can we go to bed?” 

 

“Oh, uh. You sure?” Remus asked. Glancing at the clock—00:03– Remus internally cursed, school would not be happening in the morning. Sirius nodded sharply. 

 

Remus left the room to get extra pillows and blankets and they made makeshift beds on the floor, too tired to bother with air mattresses and too big now at sixteen to all fit on Remus’ bed. As it was Sirius stayed on the bed, facing Remus as he gently drifted off to sleep, the boy’s knees touching uncomfortably. Remus noted that his face still lacked its carefree expression even in sleep. As Remus felt worry slip and sleep take hold, he could’ve sworn he felt a hand reach out for his under the covers. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hope is the best mom ever and Remus overhears a tender Sirius moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No tw for this chapter. Thanks for choosing to read another ch of this!! 
> 
> Also probably a good time to point out. I am not British but I wanted the Marauders to still be British (Remus is half Welsh still). So I’m gonna mess up expressions and British culture stuff. Sorry!

Ch 2

 

Remus awoke to his phone alarm too soon. Cursing and wishing he could go back to sleep. He knew in a few moments a second alarm would sound reminding him to take his medicine. He didn’t want his friends to wake. 

 

Sitting up, Remus cut his alarm off and stretched. Despite the lack of sleep, he felt well rested. He wouldn’t need a walking aid today he thought, feeling his left hip for tightness. Maybe the new medicine was doing its job. Remus swung out of bed and padded to the kitchen. 

 

“Good morning darling.” Hope greeted him in the kitchen. 

 

“‘Morning mum.” Remus replied, and then “Thanks.” As he saw she had already laid out his morning pills and a glass of water for him. He went over to kiss her on the cheek, while he played annoyed at times nights like last reminded him of just how lucky he was to have Hope in his life. 

 

“I’ve already talked with Effie and she’ll talk with the Pettigrews. You four are excused from school for today but come Monday it’s back at it!” 

 

“Yes mum.” Remus replied with a smile, knowing she was more bark than bite. Between his illness and the Marauders, Remus missed several school days a month and it had never been an issue. He crossed the kitchen to make himself a slice of toast as Hope started the tea kettle and coffee pot. 

 

Sirius was the next to find his way down, surprisingly. Remus had hoped he would have more of a lie in. 

 

“Morning Moony.” He said quietly. 

 

“Morning Pads. Alright?” Remus’ full attention turned away from his tea. 

 

“Thanks.” The older boy said, rubbing the back of his neck then pulling his hand away at the roughness. He accepted a cup of tea from Remus. “Nearly scared myself in the mirror this morning. Didn’t recognize my own face!” He laughed pointing at his hair or lack thereof. “How did you know to let me in last night?” 

 

_ There it is.  _ Remus thought.  _ That Padfoot humor. How can he switch into it so easy after last night?  _

 

“I tell you what Pads, I didn’t think you could do worse than 2nd year when you dyed your hair orange but boy was I wrong!” James laughed, walking into the kitchen. Just like that, the tension disappeared. The boys talked easily, Peter joining not too long after, munching on toast, exchanging jokes and lighthearted punches on the arm. 

 

Later, the boys had pulled all the pillows and blankets into the living room. They were barely watching  _ The Price is Right _ , Peter more enthralled than the rest of them—how did he know the games so well?—conversations bouncing around so seamlessly as they tended to with the Marauders. Sirius excused himself to the bathroom, getting off the floor and making a big show of stretching. Remus tried not to look as his shirt rode up exposing skin now tinged green and yellow with bruising. 

 

At 11:00am Remus’ phone alarm dinged again. His morning medicine was tucked away in his school bag. Getting up from the floor, he understood why Sirius had made such a show. He rubbed his hip as he set walking, wincing as it twinged with his first few steps. He was just about to his room when he heard whispering. 

 

“Are you sure, dear? I really think we ought to—“ 

 

“I don’t want to cause anymore trouble. I’m fine now. I’m never going back there again!” Remus could hear the smile in Sirius’ voice when he said this. “My uncle Alfred left me some money, I have that and I’ve been meaning to get a job anyway.” 

  
“Nonsense. You’ll stay here. We don’t have much to offer but we can put a second bed in Re’s room. You’re staying and that’s final. I do wish we had more to offer you…. Oh honey.” Remus distinctly heard the sniff of someone who had just started to cry. He turned quickly and left back for the living room. He thinks, as he turns  _ I think Mum put some extra midday pills in the kitchen anyway.  _


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it gets a little angsty. I’ve found twin sized beds and sleepovers always bring up the serious conversations.

Ch 3

 

Peter and James set home after dinner, promising to text as they went. Sirius’ mood had completely turned around by this point in the day. He still had not mentioned what had happened, but then, that was Sirius. He joyfully helped Hope load dishes into the dishwasher, jokingly waving off James’ promise to text—“you’ve been posting gifs to the group chat all day!”—“they’re funny! And come on, you know what I mean.” A kind smile passed between them and then it was Hope, Remus, and Sirius stood in the kitchen. What a week for dad to be away. Remus suddenly noted.

 

“I think I’m going to go lie down.” He announced, while it wasn’t yet even quarter to seven, his energy was drained for the day. The hardback of the breakfast nook table bothering his back and already sore hip.

 

“Of course dear, Sirius go on with him. I’ll be fine in here. Re, I’ll check on you in a little.”

 

“Thanks Mum.” He said noting that he had been thanking her a lot recently. There’s nothing wrong with that a small voice reminded him. Maybe Sirius and James’ posh boy manners were beginning to rub off on him.

 

Up in his room, Remus let out a sigh of relief at laying on the bed. He felt his muscles loosen into the mattress. Sirius took a seat silently, awkwardly, at his desk chair.

 

“Oh come here Padfoot, you silly dog.” Remus muttered. His friends all knew by now not to treat him like he was sick. They may have to talk while he was laid in bed but he still could scheme up the best pranks against Slytherin, after all.

 

The two boys lay in silence together for several minutes. Side by side over the covers, toes slightly touching at the end of the bed. Sirius reached out and grabbed Remus’ hand again. Now Remus was sure he had done so the night before. This wasn’t uncharacteristic of Sirius, who showed way more physical attention than any of the other Marauders. Yet, it was often reserved for James. There was something comforting about the touch and Remus closed his eyes. They hadn’t turned on the light when they walked in and he was sure he could fall asleep like this. A few moments later Sirius spoke.

 

“It was a fire poker.” Sirius muttered under his breath so Remus almost didn’t think he heard him. Rage swelled in his chest.

 

“You are never going back there.” His voice a low growl, something animalistic and possessive about it.

 

Sirius let out a low sad chuckle. “I think between your mom and Mrs. Potter, I will never see the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black again and that is perfectly ok.”

 

Remus opened his eyes at this, “Mrs. Potter? When did you talk to her?” Sirius pulled his phone out of his pocket, Remus noting he had probably left his in the living room.

 

James Potter to Sirius Black

19:12 My mom right now: *gif of Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk*

 

Remus chuckled but then he remembered what Sirius had just told him. He closed his eyes again,

 

“What happened Pads? I know things weren’t good but you said they hadn’t hurt you in a while. You said things were getting better.” Beside him, Sirius stiffened but did not let go of Remus’ hand.

 

“They wanted me to get married.” It was quiet for some time.

 

“.... I don’t understand, of course, every parent wants their kid to get married.”

 

“No Moony, they had arranged for me to get married as soon as I graduated. To Bellatrix.” He said through gritted teeth.

 

“WHAT!?” Remus shot up, and instantly regretted it, head rushing. He lay back down. “Bellatrix, your cousin, Bellatrix?”

 

“The very same.” Sirius nodded.

 

“Are they mental?”

 

“So of course, I said no. They kept going on and on about preserving the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black. How it was my duty as heir. Dad had already gotten out his belt at this point. I don’t know what they think beating me would do. Maybe a few bruises would make me brain dead enough the marry my deranged cousin!” He went silent for a minute. Remus squeezed his hand. “It got worse from there.” He croaked out after a few moments.

 

“It’s ok. You don’t have to tell me.” Remus tried to reassure him. Just then another buzz came from Sirius’ phone. He showed it to Remus.

 

Peter Pettigrew to The Marauders

20:13 *gif of girl laying down on beach, caption ‘I take a nap right here’*

 

Remus took the phone from Sirius. Quickly typing out

Sirius Black to The Marauders

20:15 We laid in bed all day! *eyes rolling emoji* -R

 

Sirius tucked his phone away and after a few moments began to speak again. “I don’t know what made me say it. They were going on and on in their “Nazi” ways. Preserving the line and all. They really thought they could change me. They had the wedding all planned out for the July after graduation, I mean down to the invitations and everything. I couldn’t handle it. Christ and it wasn’t just the cousin thing or the white supremacy thing.”

 

Remus stayed quiet, listening to the rise and fall of Sirius’ breathing getting more erratic and nervous.

 

“Moony, I’m gay.” This came out barely a whisper. Remus had to admit, this was not what he was expecting and yet, it made sense. As if Sirius were telling him that he had just gotten a tattoo. He squeezed Sirius’ hand in his again and the two lay like that for a while: on their backs, on Remus’ bed, holding hands. Eventually, Remus fell asleep, the day and previous nights’ events too much for his body to keep up with.

 

Sometime after that, Hope came in with Remus’ evening meds and a glass of water. Sirius was scrolling on Reddit with one hand, the other still firmly in Remus’. She smiled at the boys and put down Remus’ meds. “Make sure he wakes and takes those in the next hour, won’t you dear?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments!! I’m actually amazed anyone has taken the time to read this. Love you guys! I have a few chapters prewritten so I will be trying to get those posted. It’s gonna get real angsty here soon.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus and Sirius are super kind to each other because they are beautiful little puff balls.

Ch 4 

 

_ *bzz bzzz bzz*  _

“Morning.” Remus said groggily taking in the picture in front of him. Sirius was sitting up, frowning at his phone which kept going off every few seconds. Remus frowned and took the phone from him. At this point in the Marauders friendship, boundaries didn’t really exist. 

 

_ Regulus Black to Sirius Black  _

_ 7:21  _ come on when r u coming back home

_ 7:22  _ this is ridiculous 

_ 7:22  _ ur acting childish a wedding isn’t even that bad

_ 7:23  _ and camp sounds nice 

 

_ Camp?! Oh Christ no.  _

 

_ 7:24  _ srsly ur keeping me on read!! 

 

Remus handed the phone back, the messages kept coming in but he had read enough. With a quick swipe, Sirius muted the conversation and dropped his phone onto the floor. 

 

“Camp, huh?” 

 

There was rustling as Sirius buried himself deep into Remus’ comforter. With his hair cut short as it was, he looked so small. Remus had a fleeting thought of wanting to protect Sirius and never let him leave the bed. 

 

“You know, may not be too bad.” Remus chuckled. Sirius’ eyebrows raised. “Well you know, a camp, full of gay kids, living in close quarters. Might find yourself a boyfriend.” It was a dumb joke but it did the trick, Sirius’ facade broke and the laughter lines returned to his face. 

 

It was Saturday, they ate breakfast in bed thanks to Hope and played Mario Kart on Remus’ bedroom tv. They talked, they texted the Marauders, Remus napped. It was almost like any other Saturday. Though when Sirius hit Remus with a blue shell and went for a victory dance, he quickly was sat back down for the pain in his abdomen. 

 

“Oh!” Remus said quickly remembering. “Uh top shelf, there’s this little bottle called tiger balm could you bring it over.” Sirius nodded.

 

“Holy fuck Moony why do you have so many condoms!” He joked opening the dresser drawer. Remus stuck his tongue out at him as Sirius laid the small bottle in his hand. 

 

“Shirt off.” Remus instructed. 

 

“Buy a man dinner first!” Sirius crossed his arms over his body in fake modesty. 

 

“I did feed you last night.” 

 

“Technically, that was Hope.” 

 

“Would you rather I call her up to do this?” In response Sirius took his shirt off. It was the first time Remus had looked at the mess in daylight and he bit his lip to keep from cursing. Instead he got to work rubbing the salve into the worst bruises now an array of colors like a patchwork quilt on Sirius’ body. Sirius let out a series of sighs and hisses through his teeth as Remus worked. The salve beginning to heat up and tingle the longer it was on. Sirius hastily put his shirt back on when Remus’ fingers had stopped their work. 

 

“Thanks.” He whispered.  _ Is he blushing?  _ Remus pushed the thought down. 

 

Remus wiped the excess salve onto his pajama pants and picked up the controller. “Another round?” Sirius dog-like grin was his response. 

 

Around lunch, James came over. He had tried to convince Peter to come too, but he apparently had a whole week of chores and homework to do. They moved down to the living room, Remus leaning a bit on Sirius in lieu of his cane but the older boy was used to helping Remus ever since they had discovered how ill he really was. 

 

Somehow after Remus was comfortable on the couch—Sirius making a show of tucking a blanket around his feet and getting him a book—Sirius and James ended up wrestling on the living room floor. The task of picking out a movie long forgotten. Remus rolled his eyes at them but secretly hid a smile behind his book. It was so strange how Sirius could switch, everything was so bad and yet he could act like everything was normal. 

 

“Tea?” Hope announced bringing a tray in for the boys. She sat down on the couch next to Remus, lifting his feet onto her lap and bringing her own cup to her lips. James and Sirius stopped wrestling at the sight of the biscuits on the coffee table now. Again, everything just seemed so normal to Remus. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some of Moony’s background is revealed and Wormtail is an adorable puff ball because hey he was a teenager too!!  
> TW: implied self harm  
> TW: child abuse, mentioned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hate Peter bashing fanfics because he was a part of the Marauders before he made his bad decisions. War changes us. But this AU is beautiful, there is no war and the Marauders get to all be friends and sweet and yeah.

Ch 5

 

Remus should have known, when things are normal, things must come crashing down. 

 

On Sunday, Remus awoke in the middle of the night to his lungs on fire. He coughed and coughed trying to clear them but nothing helped. Sirius, eyes still swimming with dreams, sat bolt right up next to him, rubbing his back and trying to calm the other boy. Eventually, Hope and Lyall were awakened by the coughing. Hope made soothing herbal tea and Lyall, who had only arrived home hours previously, made quick work of setting up a breathing treatment for his son. Remus, embarrassed at the fuss being made over him, leaned over the side of the bed, arms resting on his thighs as his lungs returned to normal. 

 

“There, dear. Just an asthma attack, nothing to worry about.” Hope soothed, helping her son back into bed. Remus should have known better. 

 

When he woke back up early at 6am, he knew it was going to be one of those days. His lungs felt on fire, tight in his chest, his hip was killing him, and he could feel a migraine coming on. Downing some painkillers, he rolled over in bed and came within inches of Sirius’ face. Realizing at last minute that he was awake too, Remus nearly fell off the small twin bed. 

 

“Oh my God sorry sorry!!” 

 

“Jesus!” Remus attempted to regain his breath, difficult after the middle of the night attack. 

 

“Sirius will do just fine.” He grinned his dog-like smile again. “Sorry. I didn’t want to wake you. You ok? Need me to get your mom or anything?” 

 

“I’m fine Pads.” He was, his breathing returning to normal. “Did I wake you?” Sirius shook his head. 

 

“Nightmares.” He said grimly. 

 

“Want to talk about it?” 

 

“Just… reliving it, you know?” Remus nodded. Though he knew he couldn’t possibly understand what his friend was going through, the memories that clung beneath that smile. “I thought I was going to die.” He whispered, his eyes shut. “I think that’s what they wanted.” 

 

“Siri…” Remus was lost for words. 

 

“I think I wanted that too.” 

 

“Don’t say that…” 

 

“Oh shit!” Sirius’ eyes snapped open, concern filled the grey orbs. “Moons I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” 

 

“Don’t be silly,” Remus subconsciously rubbed at his forearms and pulled at the fabric of his long sleeve pajama shirt down into his fists. “I just…. I’m glad you’re here.” 

 

“Me too, Moons.” 

 

Just then his morning medicine alarm started going off. He turned it off, rolling onto his back and pinching his nose. 

 

“I don’t think I can walk down to the kitchen right now Pads, do you mind? I can call my mom if you don’t….” but Sirius had already stood up. 

 

_ I don’t deserve a friend so kind.  _ Remus shook his head at the thought. Remus sat up as Sirius handed over his morning pills. Remus had a mind to bring back up Sirius’ prior comment, mental health was not something he shrugged away anymore. Yet, something in Sirius’ face made him table the comment. Remus took his morning pills and unlocked his phone, flipping through morning memes on Instagram, a Snapchat from Alice, and a text from James checking in on Sirius. Remus responded to the text with a gif of Stitch from Lilo and Stitch doing a handstand.  _ He’s ‘normal’ as ever.  _ He glanced up from his phone, surprised Sirius wasn’t actually doing a handstand. 

 

“What should we do today?” Sirius asked, practically bouncing on the end of the bed. 

 

“What?” Remus groaned. 

 

“Oh come on Moony. I love Mario Kart as much as the next guy but we need go out today.” 

 

“We need to?” Remus repeated. 

 

“Yes.” Sirius responded firmly and took out his own phone. 

 

_ Sirius Black to The Marauders  _

_ 7:25  _ breakfast? 

 

_ Peter Pettigrew to The Marauders _

_ 7:50  _ *gif of studio gibli breakfast spread*

_ 7:50  _ *gif of someone shoveling pancakes into their mouth* 

_ 7:51  _ *gif of Winnie the Pooh in a bib happily dancing at a table*

_ 7:51  _ *gif of the breakfast club dancing* 

 

_ James Potter to The Marauders  _

_ 7:52  _ ALRIGHT JFC IM AWAKE! WORMTAIL YOURE PAYING FOR MY COFFEE!!!! 

 

So Remus allowed himself to be dragged out. There was a breakfast place a block away from Remus’ house and just a short bike ride from where James and Peter lived. They met here at least twice a week. Peter insisted that it had the best chai lattes but the Marauders weren’t fooled, he had been crushing hard on one of the baristas for almost a year now. 

 

“Will you just ask her out Wormtail?” Sirius chuckled as they sat down in their usual spot towards the back. Though today they could’ve had the entire place. 8am on a Sunday is not prime coffee shop hour. Peter just blushed and James rolled his eyes. 

 

“Come on. It’s easy. Just go up and ask her to…. well anything but coffee! It’s like me and Evans-“

 

“—cause that’s working out for you so well.” Sirius interjected, earning himself a punch on the arm from James. 

 

“Evans loves me, I know she loves me. Well, everyone loves me.” They all dissolve into laughter around James who huffs and makes a show of being upset, though not as dramatic as Sirius would be. Remus’ laughter turns into coughing and Peter who is closest pats him on the back. Remus gives him an appreciative smile. They all finish eating their breakfasts and decide to return to Remus (and Sirius’, they suppose too). 

 

They’re walking down the street when James stops short. “Wormtail!” He calls out though Peter is only a few strides ahead of him with Sirius. They all stop, giving him an inquisitive look. “You never asked her out! Come on then!” James loops an arm around Peter’s and all but drags him back to the café. Sirius and Remus shrug to each other and turn around. 

 

“Oh my God. He’s gonna do it.” James whispers. As they all watch from the patio. 

 

“Well you did drag him back.” Remus points out. 

 

“Yeah, but I didn’t think he’d have the balls to actually do it.” James replies. 

 

“Is she smiling?” Sirius asks. 

 

“I can’t tell…. oh no she’s writing something down…. oh my God!” James says, “our boy is growing up.” He pretends to wipe a tear from his eye. They all continue to watch in awe as Peter walks out, dumbstruck, clutching a napkin in his hand. 

 

“So?” Sirius asks. 

 

“Mate, it’s a number. He got her number!” James replies. Peter still dumbstruck breaks into a smile. 

 

“We’re going out Saturday. I’m meeting her here after her shift.” 

 

“WOOHOO!!” Sirius yelps! 

 

“Shhh.” Peter says glancing inside to see if the barista has noticed. They begin walking back down the street at Peter’s leadership. 

 

“Way to go, Wormtail!” Remus exclaims after they’ve walked a considerable distance from the café. He’s too excited to notice that his breathing has gotten a bit shallow. 

 

“REMUS!” He suddenly hears, unsure who has yelled it, before the world pitches sideways and the world turns black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry. Cliffhanger! 
> 
> So a note about Remus’ health: I know it’s common in non-magic AUs to have his health condition be HIV. However, I know nothing about HIV. However, I do have asthma that kept me hospitalized pretty much my entire childhood and I would wake up exactly like I described Remus in this chapter. So yeah, write what you know I guess.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the cliffhanger is resolved but sad things are discussed.  
> TW: kidnapping, implied rape, child abuse, hospitalization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for this chapter. I love my Moony, but in every possible scenario, he has a sad backstory.

Ch 6

 

He knows before he opens his eyes. This is how things go. He feels a cannula in his nose and an IV in his arm (left, good). He doesn’t want to open his eyes, it’s too painful to see the faces of those he loves, the concern they have just too much. Most of all though, he hates the hospital. The hospital reminds him of all the times before. Before the Marauders. Before when things got really bad. 

 

Remus wasn’t always sick. He actually was a normal kid for the first few years of his life. Then, there was the accident at age 5 and everything got worse from there. Remus had been camping with his family, a tradition that Hope and Lyall had since before Remus was born. Though it ended after the accident year. 

 

Remus, being 5, and about to start primary school thought he was so big. He remembers getting his own cereal in the morning, dressing himself, and helping to put food on the grill for dinner. He remembers so much wanting to go down to the lake by himself. His parents were distracted making dinner and he wanted to keep looking for rocks like earlier. He didn’t remember much after that, at least not at first.  He remembers easily the ambulance, his parents' worried faces, and worst of all the hospital. He remembers easily, IVs and sleeping and the bear the kind nurse gave him. He remembers easily the first asthma attack he had, they say a side effect. 

 

Then there’s the stuff that came later. Years later. Remus hadn’t remembered how or why his leg had come to be broken at the hip. He couldn’t remember where the gash on his side came from. He couldn’t remember why the smell of Irish Spring soap and sardines terrified him so much.

 

When he was ten, Remus was in hospital for the fourth time since he was 5. A nurse came in, checked his IV fluids and got ready to give him a breathing treatment. He had leaned over Remus to check a connection on the wall behind him when Remus caught a whiff of Irish Spring and fish (probably tuna fish, it was after lunch). Remus had gone into full-blown panic attack, the machines next to him beeping wildly and his vision going fuzzy in the corners. 

 

He remembered the hard stuff. He remembered the man who told Remus they could find good skipping rocks together. He remembered the man who had a popsicle back at his campsite for Remus, grape his favorite flavor. He remembered the man who had told Remus this was what big boys did. He remembered it hurt, he remembered trying to run away, he remembered being yanked by the leg and a sickening crack and pain so bad Remus hurt all over. After that, he doesn’t remember about the gash on his side or ending up in the water. Remus doesn’t remember what the man did after the pain caused his 5-year-old self to blackout. He doesn’t remember and it causes him panic to this day. 

 

Remus does not like the hospital. Who does. But Remus especially hates the hospital for the first time when he was 5 and for the time just after turning 10. 

 

“Moony, I know you’re awake.” A calm voice next to his ear said. “I know you don’t like it here. I know you’re worried. It’s ok.” The voice continued and Remus’ breathing calmed down. “It’s ok, it’s just you and me. Your parents went down to the cafeteria.” Remus opened his eyes. Sirius was laying next to him on the hospital bed. His hand just beside Remus’. Remus reaches over and took Sirius’ hand in his, unable to speak. “Are you thinking about last time?” Remus shook his head. No, he hadn’t been thinking about the time when he was 14. Not really. “Ah, so when you remembered?” 

 

“Yeah.” His voice was hoarse. He rolled over to look at Sirius, hair still so short, but Sirius all the same. His grey eyes were so full of warmth. He was the only Marauder who knew the full story. After a bad night at home, Sirius had run away temporarily, climbing through Remus’ bedroom window. They had laid in his bed just like they were now and talked about all the things the daylight made too scary to discuss. 

 

“It’s ok Moony, I’m here.” 

 

Remus sighed and gave a smile. “Is it ok if I pretend to be asleep still?” Sirius nodded. Eventually, Remus must have fallen asleep again. When he woke back up, it was dark, Sirius was gone, and Hope was asleep in the hospital room recliner. Thankfully, his phone was near him. 

 

_ Lily Evans to Remus Lupin  _

_ 12:54  _ just heard. hope you’re better soon. 

 

_ Alice McKinnon to Remus Lupin  _

_ 15:45  _ Frank and I send out love 

_ 15:45  _ *our ugh! 

_ 15:55  _ also we need to catch up when you’re out from hospital. 

 

There were also several missed texts and gifs from the Marauders and an email from Professor McGonagall. All of which he was too tired to respond to. He quickly opened a new text chain:

 

_ Remus Lupin to Sirius Black  _

_ 01:20  _ thanks for staying earlier. 

 

He put his phone down but it immediate buzzed. 

 

_ Sirius Black to Remus Lupin _

_ 01:21  _ I’ll be back tomorrow. *smiley face emoji* *heart emoji* 

 

Remus was still smiling as he fell back asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, so sorry for that.   
> I love you all who have been commenting! I am currently being fueled by the comments (and thin mints).


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus is still in the hospital but the Marauders are sweet to him as always.

Ch 7

 

The doctors have never quite figured out what was wrong with Remus. The almost drowning affected his lungs and that’s managed with asthma medications. His hip being displaced for so long caused a limp and chronic pain, managed by pain medications. When he was 10 and had told his parents what he remembered, they had run a few panels, checking his blood for anything out of the ordinary. It was the only piece of medical good news when all tests came out negative. 

 

Remus’ energy faded fast, they attributed this to the drowning. Sometimes he blacked out. Sometimes, like this time, he needed IV fluids and forced oxygen. It was the worst feeling for Remus. He wasn’t “sick” with anything per se but he wasn’t ever well. 

 

Then there were the mental health symptoms. The panic attacks, brought on by PTSD and the depression that could get far too deep at times. He took an array of pills and vitamins to keep his mind above water too. It was a lot to remember to take and a lot to want to take. Hope helped him a great deal with remembering it all. He didn’t go to school all the time and the older he got, he worried university and a career were out of the cards as well. 

 

The next morning when the doctors came through for their rounds at 7am, Remus was awake again. Having slept the whole day previously, he really wasn’t tired. The doctors announced that if his vitals stayed stable all day and he could go off oxygen for the afternoon, they would discharge him by dinner. Remus was so grateful for the good news. 

 

He mostly read all day and around 1pm, Sirius bounded into the hospital room with a bunch of balloons in his hand. Except when Remus focused in on the balloons he ended up doubled over in laughter. “It’s a boy!” Was printed on two of them. A blue teddy bear on the other and a giant peppa pig shaped balloon was the last he saw. 

 

Sirius tied the balloons to the bedside railing, “budge over,” he muttered and took his spot next to Remus on the hospital bed. 

 

“Sure, make yourself comfy. I’m only IN THE HOSPITAL!” Remus replied as Sirius wiggled his butt further into the bed and pulled the covers up over his lap. 

 

“Peter’s going mental over his date Saturday and Prongs won’t shut up about Lily.” Was Sirius’ reply. “Oh. McGonagall sent me with your homework too. And Regulus tried to corner me in the hallway.”

 

“Back up. Lead with that.” 

 

“Homework. Yeah, I know. I was like ‘McG come on! He’s sick,’ and she goes ‘you know how Mr. Lupin likes to stay on top of his homework, the big nerd.’” 

 

“Pads…” 

 

“Yeah…. it was right before home ec,”

 

“Still don’t know why you took that,”

 

“Pissed off my parents. Men who can cook and sew are threatening! Anyway. He was waiting for me outside the classroom. He told me the parents told him not to talk to me at school and have basically acted as though I don’t exist since I left. He’s heard them whispering about removing me from their wills and everything. He said Mum burned my name off the tapestry.” The tapestry in question was a large family tree that had been designed years and years back, every new Black child added to it. It seemed so archaic to Remus but it was something families like Sirius’ did. Preserving the family line and proving ancestry and all. Sirius would never show it but this was a big deal to him. 

 

“You ok with that?” 

 

Sirius shrugged, “I think so. I never wanted to be a part of their family anyway.”

 

“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt.” 

 

Hope Lupin walked in with a nurse at that moment. Remus’ vitals were checked and noted down for the doctor with a smile and soft “good, good”. Then the nurse saw Sirius and chastised him for being in the bed with Remus. Sirius jumped down but the minute the door closed he was sitting back up on the bed. 

 

“Ready to go home?” Hope asked, seemingly to the both of them. Remus nodded in response. 

 

It turned out Sirius was not going to stay with him. With Remus taken out of school for a few days and the Lupins not having a second bed for him yet, the adults had all decided it would be best for Sirius to move in with the Potters where he had his own bedroom and everything. 

 

_ Remus Lupin to The Marauders _

_ 15:01  _ cannula freeeeee 

 

_ James Potter to The Marauders _

_ 15:03  _ aww my little Hazel Grace is growing up. 

 

_ Remus Lupin to The Marauders _

_ 15:03 _ shut up 

 

_ James Potter to The Marauders  _

_ 15:03  _ maybe shut up will be our always. 

 

_ Peter Pettigrew to The Marauders  _

_ 15:03  _ *gif from TFIOS where Hazel Grace and Augustus keep saying okay on repeat* 

 

_ Remus Lupin to The Marauders  _

_ 15:04  _ Padfoooooot they’re being mean to meeee 

 

_ Sirius Black to The Marauders  _

_ 15:04  _ a) I’m literally right next to you b) I still haven’t read this book or seen the movie and c) that girl does kinda look like you Moony 

_ 15:06  _ I think smothering yourself with a pillow is the opposite of breathing. 

_ 15:07  _ uhh…. the beepy machines say Moony is still alive but guys I’m worried. 

_ 15:08  _ ok. Ok. The pillow is off his face. But he looks angry. 

_ 15:09  _ he’s reading the texts. Guys where did you go…. guyyyys?

_ 15:10  _ I’m gonna get some chocolate from the vending machine, yeah, that sounds good. 

_ 15:19  _ Moony they’re out of Crunchies, but never fear!!! Your favorite Marauder has returned with KitKats! 

_ 15:20  _ YOU GUYS ARE ALL TEXTING IN A DIFFERENT GROUP CHAT WITHOUT ME 

_ 15:21  _ *crying face emoji*

_ 15:21  _ *crying face emoji* 

_ 15:21  _ *three crying face emojis*

_ 15:22  _ *seven crying face emojis*

 

_ Remus Lupin to The Marauders  _

_ 15:23  _ ok ok!!! Don’t send anymore. We’ll text here again. 

 

_ Sirius Black to The Marauders  _

_ 15:24  _ *the entire screen full of crying face emojis* 

 

“Too late.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! This weekend was crazy and now I'm in pre-finals week. I also had a horrible health scare yesterday. Oof, I'm a mess, I tell you what. Thanks for sticking with me!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus returns to school and Sirius comes out to the other Marauders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some homophobic slurs are used.

For once, things went as planned and Remus was discharged around dinner. Hope drove Sirius by the Potters before returning home. When they entire the Lupin house, the small home just seemed so much smaller. Sirius had only been with them a few days but his presence was known. When Remus lay down in his bed, it somehow seemed too big and too empty. Exhaustion hit him and he fell asleep easily, missing his joyful friend and their late night talks.

 

Tuesday came and went without much to do. The Marauders kept Remus up to date on all the goings on at school. James had his phone taken away in homeroom and the other two made jokes about it all throughout Binns’ history class.

 

With Wednesday, Remus had read through three books, finished all his homework (for the next week) and was beyond bored. His parents were being overly cautious and he supposed that was nice but he wanted to go back to school.

 

On Thursday, with no attacks having happened on Wednesday, his parents yielded and he was able to go to school. He was tackled in the hallway by Sirius who honest-to-god licked his face like a dog! Remus wished this weren’t a normal occurrence, but it had definitely happened multiple times before. “I am the Dog Star” He always jokes. “Yeah but you’re also supposed to be the brightest star and your grades…. I mean” James retorted.

 

Homeroom was normal, McGonagall giving Remus a soft smile when she passed his desk. With a hand on his shoulder she said it was good to have him back and well. Chemistry with Slughorn was a bore, it was Remus’ least favorite subject, while Lily excelled. They tended to be partners during practical work much to James’ jealousy. It was in history later that Remus passed a note to Sirius, looking for something to mix up the boredom. Sirius looked up from where he was drawing spirals onto Remus’ left hand to read what Remus had written.

  
  


Prank?

YES! WHAT? WHO? WHERE? WHEN!?

Sit, boy. Hmm. I’m feeling a glitter prank, light but messy. Reg and his buddies? Great Hall. Tomorrow?

Remus, I love you! <3 <3 <3

 

They shared the prank idea with the other two in the hallway between classes and they were just as excited. The four parted, Sirius and Peter to art, James had a free block and headed to the library, and Remus to advanced maths. They were all convinced that none of them would really be focusing during the next block. When they came together for lunch, all four boys were buzzing with ideas. Sirius could barely sit still and Remus surrendered his arm again to the doodles that would inevitably be there regardless. To be fair, Sirius was really talented. They often joked that he should go into tattoo work after Hogwarts.

 

“So, what have you come up with?” Remus asked as Sirius set to work with a bright pink sharpie and his forearm. They were both sitting with one leg on either side of the bench, facing each other. Peter and James sat across the table from them digging into some sandwiches.

 

“Slime.” Sirius beamed.

 

“Huh?” James asked, but Peter was nodding along too.

 

“Like on Nickelodeon when they do the kids choice awards and slime the hosts,” Peter explained.

 

“Oh man, they wouldn’t be able to get it out of their hair. Imagine Snivellus.” They all dissolved into laughter, James taking out their prank notebook and setting to work with the plans.

 

If any of the Marauders had any doubts about pranking Regulus and his crew, they were cast out moments later. The laughter of the Marauders died down as they headed to their next class. Regulus, his best friend Barty Crouch Jr., and two older students, Avery and Snape were leaning against the wall chatting together.

 

As Sirius walked by, Crouch Jr. stuck out his leg to trip him. As Sirius got back up and made to punch the smaller boy, Regulus cried out, “Get away from him, fag.” Pulling his friend away and muttering loudly, “I hear queer is catching, let’s go.” Sirius squared up in front of his brother. They were almost the same height, from a distance they looked exactly the same except for Sirius’ now shaved hair and the red and gold tie around his neck versus the other boy’s green and silver one.

 

“Say that again Reg.” Sirius snarled.

 

“I said. Get away from him, fag.” Regulus spat the last part in his older brother’s face. Remus, sensing this could get ugly quickly, grabbed Sirius’ hand and pulled him away. He did his best to ignore the taunting laughter as Regulus said, “Should have known you were one of them too Lupin.”

 

“Come on,” Remus said gruffly and lead the Marauders (Sirius’ hand still in his) out the front door. As they exited the school, Remus dropped Sirius’ hand but he was still seething as he led them to the lake and the old willow tree they always chatted under.

 

“What was that all about?” Peter huffed, the last one to catch up to them under the willow. He leaned against the tree trying to catch his breath.

 

“Stupid brother stuff.” Remus made up the excuse for Sirius, not sure if he had told James yet or even if he wanted James to know, but Sirius wasn’t having it. He sighed.

 

“I think I should tell you guys then. If he’s going to spread it around the school. I was given a choice, either go to conversion camp or be kicked out. Clearly, I chose to be kicked out.”

 

“Conversion camp?” Peter squeaked, clearly confused. Remus glared up at him, anger still seething in his veins and the smaller boy looked down at the grass.

 

“Yeah,” Sirius responded, he sounded a million miles away. “Uh yeah so…. I’m gay.” He rubbed the back of his neck as he said it. “Didn’t really want to come out this way but …. Well it’s out now.”

 

James and Peter looked to be in shock, Peter squirming a bit like he had questions but with a quick glance at Remus, he kept his mouth shut and returned his eyes to the ground. James appeared to process this for a minute and then reached over to pull Sirius into a brotherly hug. Sirius’ eyes bulged as he let out a large breath he seemed to have been holding since he spoke.

 

“You know you’ll always be one of us, a marauder, our brother. We love you.” James said and Peter and Remus piped in their words of agreement. They were definitely going to get Regulus and his crew back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finals suck, I have about 6 (10-12 page) papers to write. This is my last prewritten chapter. And to top it all off my depression is in full swing! So much angst and I want to pour it all into some Wolfstar right now, oops.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which there is a prank and the Marauders hang out after school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: discussion of self-harm scars, thoughts of self-harm (not detailed). 
> 
>  
> 
> This is unedited maybe I’ll get around to editing it sometime.   
> Also, I work with 8th graders and the way the Marauders talk is insprired by several of my students. Even though the Marauders are in 5th year in this fic haha.

Ch 9

 

Friday morning came with a few gifs before 7am from Peter of famous tv stars being slimed on Nick. Followed by a ton of rainbow flag emojis from James who had really taken to the whole: my best friend is gay! thing. Since it was such a simple prank, James and Sirius took care of supplies and Remus and Peter took charge of execution: involving springs and boxes that the Slytherins would want to open themselves. 

 

Remus brought his cane to school today. The Marauders called it their invisibility cloak. When Remus had it with him, no one suspected he was feeling up to moving around and causing mayhem. He was the last one suspected when things went chaotic. 

 

By the time lunch came around, everything was in place, no one the wiser. When Regulus found himself covered in rainbow glitter slime, the entire Great Hall erupted into laughter. No one could pin it on the Marauders, but they did earn themselves a very strict glare from their head of house who was up at the Head Table. Glancing up to the Head Table, a few of the professors were hiding their own glee, Headmaster Dumbledore especially who Remus knew had a heart for the school’s LGBTQ+ youth. As classes progressed, the Slytherins were easily spotted still covered in glitter from the slime that was still stuck in hair, behind ears, and on their clothes. 

 

~~

 

“The best is they can’t pin it on us!” Sirius was skipping as they left school, “god bless you and your invisibility cloak!” He laughed. He had earlier, to Remus’ protest, stolen his cane and had it behind his neck, arms looped like he was about to break into a musical number. 

 

“Whose house?” Peter asked as they came to the intersection they would normally part at. 

 

“Mine, obviously.” Sirius barked. The prank had clearly lifted his spirits. Remus loved when he was like this, but it did make him and James almost insufferable. James had linked arms with Sirius and joined in the skipping in the direction of his and Peter’s house. Remus chuckled, might as well let them it was the weekend after all. 

 

~~

 

They all lay around in James’ bedroom when they got to his house. Sirius, it appeared, had taken over the guest bedroom. In the week that he had been living with the Potters, the once clean room had exploded with clothes and shoes everywhere in a manner that screamed Sirius, he never was the cleanest one of them all. James’ room by contrast was military clean; his bed was always made and he never had a shirt left out of the dresser. It was funny when the boy’s actual appearance didn’t scream “neat”.

 

Peter and James has struck up a conversation about girls, to which Sirius now loudly whines about calling the others ‘racist’ against homosexuals. To which Remus tried to correct him that being gay wasn’t a race and Sirius retorted that now they were being ‘sexist’. Remus again tried to tell him that wasn’t the correct word, and Sirius ended up pouting in the corner until something shiny distracted him, this time it was Remus’ arm which he was currently drawing all over with colorful sharpies, continuing shapes and designs he had begun drawing while at school. 

 

“Should I shave? I probably should shave, right? My mom’s always telling me to. Do you think Mary would like it though? Think it’s manly.” Peter was looking at himself in the mirror behind James’ door. 

 

“Mate, shave what? The one hair on your chin?” Remus retorted and Peter gave him the finger before ducking across the hall into the bathroom. He returned a minute later with several cuts on his face. 

 

“Peter, what the fuck! Did you use my razor?” James stopped his conversation with Sirius to yell. Peter shrugged. 

 

“You weren’t using it.” Which earned a laugh from Sirius and Remus and two fingers from James. 

 

“You’re gonna be just fine,” Remus offered, knowing Peter was just nervous for his date. “Where are you taking her?” 

 

“Uh…. oh.”

 

“PETER! You don’t know where you’re taking her?” James yelled. Peter paled. 

 

“I-I’m picking her up after her shift at the cafe and I figured we would figure out what to do from there?” 

 

“No, no you can’t do that.” James replied. 

 

“Definitely don’t do that.” Sirius added absently, his full attention had gone back to the design on Remus’ arm. 

 

“Then what do I do?” 

 

“Well, you’ve been texting her all week right? Let me see.” James offered but Peter pulled his phone to him quickly and blushed. “What, come on, it’s not like you sent her nudes.” There was a pause. “Oh my God did you send her nudes!” 

 

“Shh, no! Jesus!” Peter exclaimed, still keeping his phone away from James. “It’s just…. private.” 

 

Remus snorted, “private doesn’t exist with the Marauders.” He knew from personal experience. 

 

“Just, not yet, ok?” Peter asked quietly. 

 

“Fine.” James said, now he was pouting. Between him and Sirius they were no better than 3-year-olds. 

 

“Well, what does she like?” Remus brought the conversation back to point. 

 

“Well, she’s into sports, really into rugby,” he rubbed his neck clearly trying to think, “she keeps talking about this new movie that came out, that new Disney one.” 

 

“Peter! She’s been dropping hints, she wants you to take her to the movie!” James said. 

 

“You think?” The other three boys just nodded. “Oh. I didn’t realize.” 

 

Sirius chuckled, “There’s also a Saturday scrimmage at the Uni up the road, the Wizards.” 

 

“Yeah, yeah. Ok.” Peter nodded. 

 

“Come on, let’s look up the times and you can text her some options. You’re gonna be fine Peter.” James reassured clapping him on the back. 

 

~~

 

By 8pm, the boys were all eating pizza in James’ room. Peter’s nerves had calmed down, James had come up with three more ways to ask out Lily, and both of Remus’ arms were covered in multicolored sharpie tattoos. Sirius had drawn a wolf howling at a full moon across the scars on Remus’ left arm. Sirius was the only one Remus let touch the scars, and even then it was only when he was drawing on them and covering them up. Sirius had a beautiful way of covering the cross cross blushed white skin and newer angry red marks into masterpieces. They often joked that Sirius would be a great tattoo artist one day. Remus was cold but he didn’t want to push down the sleeves of his jumper for how pretty the designs were across his arms. Anyway, around the Marauders was the only time he really let his sleeves be rolled up. He never even pushed them up around Hope. 

 

It had been decided that everyone would just stay the night. Conversations had twisted and turned as it tended to with the Marauders, interrupted by Fortnite matches (which Peter still claimed he played ironically), and YouTube videos of vine compilations. Remus was the first to start yawning and Sirius sent him into the guest room saying he’d probably be able to get more comfortable in there. Remus joked that if he was able to find the bed among Sirius’ clothes he might have a chance to get comfortable and Sirius threw out an empty threat about making Remus sleep on the floor. 

 

Remus had barely gotten into a set of joggers to sleep in when Sirius slipped in the room. 

 

“Calling it an early night?” Remus asked with an eyebrow raised. 

 

“Yeah,” Sirius replied, “just feeling tired tonight, I guess.” 

 

“You ok, Pads?” Remus asked, he had just climbed into the bed. A moment later Sirius climbed in beside him. 

 

“It’s been a week.” 

 

“Yeah, it has.” 

 

“I miss Regulus.” Sirius whispered. “I know he’s an ass, but I miss him.” Remus didn’t know what to say so he just pulled Sirius close so that Remus was the big spoon. 

 

“This ok?” He asked and he felt more than saw Sirius nod. 

 

“Rem?” He asked after a long time, Remus had almost drifted to sleep at that point. 

 

“Mmm?” 

 

“There were new scars on your arm.” He said.

 

“Mm… yeah.” Remus whispered into Sirius’ hair (which was beginning to grow out again).

 

“Wanna talk about it?” Sirius asked. 

 

“No.” 

 

“Ok. I’m sorry.” 

 

> “Mm.” Remus replied sleepily. Sirius was trailing his fingers across Remus’ forearms gently. It was incredibly calming. Before either boy could say something else, Remus had fallen fast asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kind notes and patience! My final papers went well! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. 
> 
> All the real conversations happen in bed, but sorry this one was so sad. They’re probably gonna get sadder.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chill Saturday for the Marauders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I’m sorry I’ve had horrible writers block for this chapter. Good news is I know what the next few chapters will be about! 
> 
> TW: internal thoughts of depression.

Ch 10

 

Remus was grateful that Sirius didn’t push the issue when they woke the next day. He awoke tired and sore. He took some painkillers and told Sirius he wanted to stay in bed a little longer. Of course Sirius wasn’t about to bring his self harm back up, he was the best out of all the Marauders to understand the monster that lay just below the surface of Remus’ mind. It was a monster that was only satisfied with pain. It was apt that Sirius chose to draw a wolf on his arm too. Remus often felt that the monster was a wolf, an ode to his name perhaps too. A monster that came out when the dark made everything heightened, with only the moon as a guiding light. Of course, Remus carried the monster all day not just in the night, but it was at night and alone that he felt it the worst. His phone buzzed and brought him out of his spiraling thoughts.

 

**Peter Pettigrew to Remus Lupin**

U ok? 

 

*gif of girl from Finding Nemo asking ‘why are you sleeping’*

 

**Remus Lupin to Peter Pettigrew**

Yeah. *smiling emoji* be down in a few. 

 

Remus found the clothes he had worn yesterday and got dressed quickly before making his way downstairs to the kitchen where the other three boys were. 

 

“Mornin’” He offered to all of them and set to fixing himself a cup of tea. The Potters didn’t have the best selection, but at least they had some Irish Breakfast. 

 

“Eugh gross.” Sirius commented as he watched Remus spoon three spoons of sugar into his tea. Remus took a sip, which regrettably was dumb because the tea hadn’t steeped yet and was too hot. 

 

“Delicious!” Remus said through a wince as the tea burned his tongue. 

 

“Your teeth are gonna rot out one day.” 

 

“Not all of us could afford the best dental care in London.” Remus shrugged, not even thinking as poking fun at Sirius’ wealth was something they all just did. Even James who was admittedly just as wealthy, though his parents didn’t flaunt it with a giant manor house and servants. 

 

“Not anymore.” Sirius grumbled. Then he looped his arm around Remus’ shoulders and grinned his dog like smile. “Guess I’ll have teeth like the peasants now. Oh Moony, teach me how to be poor.” Sirius took Remus’ tea, took a sip, and acted absolutely revolted. “Do all poor people have to drink straight sugar?” Remus rolled his eyes and pushed him off taking a seat next to Peter. 

 

“Ready for your date, Pete?” Remus changed the subject. 

 

Peter it turned out was somehow more nervous than the night before. The boys all took turns distracting him throughout the day and by the afternoon he still looked like he was ready to pass out. James offered to walk Peter to the cafe and so they both left and Sirius and Remus went back up to Sirius’ room. 

 

“Read to me?” Sirius asked after a silence where they both were sitting about and scrolling on their phones. 

 

This was something they did from time to time especially when it was just the two of them together or if Remus was feeling ill. 

 

“I didn’t bring our book.” Remus said sadly. They were currently reading through  _ The Book Thief.  _ This was Remus’ second read through but Sirius had never read it before. 

 

“That’s ok, what’re you reading now? Let’s read that!” Sirius began digging through Remus’ bag and pulled out a new paperback. 

 

“I haven’t even started reading that myself. Just picked it up… bookseller said it was good.” Remus blushed as Sirius read the back cover to himself. 

 

“ _ Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe  _ huh? I could do with some secrets of the universe. Come on read it for me Moony, please?” 

 

They were so engrossed in the book by the time James got home that they didn’t notice him going past the room to his. Nor did a few hours later they notice the text from Peter saying the date was going well. They really didn’t notice anything, passing the book back and forth, and eventually falling asleep with three quarters of the book finished. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aristotle and Dante is an amazing book! I love it so much! It’s an LGBTQ+ book which is why Remus was embarrassed.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus tells Sirius a secret and they stay up all night again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What two chapters one day? I already had this chapter written and I felt bad for my prolonged silence. 
> 
> Warning, it gets smutty 😉

Ch 11 

 

A few weeks passed with no incidents to speak of. The Marauders were too busy to plan anymore pranks for a bit. Sirius’ hair was thankfully getting longer again and he was beginning to look like himself. Peter and Mary were hitting it off and had had two more dates since that first Saturday at the movies. James kept asking Lily under a guise of they should double date but he was being shut down all the same. 

 

It was a Friday night again, Peter was out with Mary, and James had rugby practice, so Sirius and Remus were hanging out together. They were at Remus’ house and had been playing some Mario Kart before Remus got tired and Sirius suggested he read to Remus. Today it was a David Levithan book, since Sirius’ coming out and the reading of  _ Aristotle and Dante  _ they had been breezing through all the LGBTQ+ books they could find. Remus figured out two weeks after this theme had started that perhaps he was trying to work things out himself. 

 

“Siri, could you put the book down?” Remus asked. Sirius did so and lay down on the bed beside Remus so they were looking at each other’s faces. 

 

“What’s up Moony?” His eyes were full of concern and Remus suddenly felt guilty. 

 

“Nothing’s wrong. I just…. how did you know you were gay?” He asked. 

 

“Oh,” Sirius looked puzzled for a minute. “Well, I don’t know. I think I always knew? Like when I was in primary and I thought Dave had nice hair and I wanted to wrestle with him on the playground. But also, I think it might have been James.” Remus’ eyes went wide and Sirius blushed, “no no! Not like that. I mean, how he goes on about Evans all the time. And like one day he was going on about her tits to me and I just didn’t get it. Then I realized I would much rather be talking about Prewitt’s ass than Evans’ tits and I just was like ‘oh hey I’m gay a.f.’” He chuckled. 

 

“Which one?” Remus asked. 

 

“Huh? Oh uh Gid,” he chuckled again. 

 

“Yeah, he’s got a pretty nice ass.” Remus found himself saying absently. His heart was racing and his lungs felt heavy in a new way and before Sirius could piece together what he said Remus had pressed his lips against Sirius’ for just the briefest of moments. Sirius was the one to pull back when Remus tried to lean in for a deeper kiss. 

 

“What?” Was all he really got out and Remus felt mortified. 

 

“Oh God. I’m sorry. Fuck! Forgive me, I shouldn’t have. I just….” Remus groaned wishing he had the energy to run away. 

 

“I have nice hair and you want to wrestle with me on the playground?” Sirius offered and they both burst into laughter. 

 

“No. I mean, yes. I wanted to know if I liked it, I think. Not in an experiment way but… I’ve thought about doing that... with you... for some time now.” Remus admitted. 

 

“So did you?” 

 

“Huh?”

 

“Like it?” 

 

“Oh, uh, yeah. I did.” Sirius didn’t hold back this time, he closed the small gap between the two boys and kissed Remus proper. It made Remus dizzy in a way where he never wanted the world to be still again. Sirius’ hands were moving down Remus’ back in such familiar and unfamiliar ways. They rested on his ass in a completely unfamiliar way, he used them to pull Remus closer so that Remus could feel the other boy’s erection on his leg. Remus moaned, he felt his own erection so hard already caught between Sirius’ leg and his own stomach, he desperately desired more touch. Sirius opened his mouth slightly, sliding his tongue against Remus’, the younger boy couldn’t help but think this was the best feeling he’d ever felt. Sirius’ hand came around then and palmed Remus’ erection through his pajama pants and Remus had to amend his previous thought because this, THIS was the best feeling. Remus’ hands found their way up into Sirius’ hair, still too short but just long enough to give a slight yank. Sirius let out such a delightful sound in response that Remus had to do it again. Sirius moved his hand and pulled at the waistband of Remus’ pajama pants but Remus’ eyes shot open. 

 

“No.” He let out. Sirius opened his eyes now and drew back. 

 

“No?” He asked and Remus groaned already missing the touch and feeling too far away. 

 

“Not no… but not yes. We-we should talk.” His voice wavered as he tried to clear his thoughts. 

 

“Talk… right. Right. We should talk.” Sirius repeated, obviously having trouble himself. “Give me a minute.” He muttered and climbed out of bed. Sirius left the room and Remus was left instantly worried.  _ I’m such an idiot, he doesn’t like me back, why did I do that?  _ Remus chastised himself and rolled over to his back. He grabbed a pillow and placed it over his face wanting desperately to scream but then heard the door click closed again. Peering out from the pillow, Sirius was returning to the bed but chose to sit at the foot of the bed instead of returning under the covers near Remus.

 

“Sorry, wouldn’t have been able to think clearly. I’m fine now. Let’s talk.” Sirius said, Remus felt his face flush at the realization.  _ Oh now you’re shy.  _ A voice said in his mind. 

 

“I think I might be bi?” He offered. Sirius let out a loud bark like laugh.

 

“You think?” He couldn’t stop laughing and soon Remus couldn’t help it and joined him. He was relieved that he hadn’t ruined everything. 

 

They spent almost all night talking, whispers across the small bed. Remus worried aloud what he had been wrestling with for most of his teen years,

 

“What if this is just because of what that man did?” 

 

“That’s not how being gay works.” Sirius assured him. 

 

Sirius shared about his internalized homophobia from his parents and Remus found himself agreeing. Even with how supportive Lyall and Hope were, he realized he had always been ok with others being gay but never ok with himself liking men.

 

“I think that’s why it took me so long to realize, I didn’t think it was ok for me.” Remus confessed and Sirius assured him that he was ok. 

 

They discussed each other. Wondering if they wanted to be in a relationship or not. They had just gotten hot and heavy after all. Both boys in their prime teen years knew their bodies physically wanted to be together. 

 

“If we do… can we take it slow?” Remus asked.

 

“I was going to ask the same thing!” Sirius laughed relieved.

 

The conversation dissolved to the traumas both boys hid under the surface. 

 

“I’m not ready for someone to see all my scars.” Remus admitted. 

 

“You’ve seen my worst,” Sirius shrugged. “And I understand about yours.” He said not in a pushy way but to show Remus he wasn’t alone. 

 

Remus shook his head, “you understand the ones I let you see. Those aren’t the worst. Then there’s the ones from that day. I’m worried for when you see my hip.” Remus’ voice was small, tears coming forth to his eyes as often did when he remembered that day.

 

“Don’t worry, Rem. It’ll only be on your time. Even if you say yes and then decide it’s really a no. I’ll respect you. It’s ok.” 

 

There was silence then. “Can I hold you?” Sirius asked and Remus nodded. Sirius pulled the boy close, kissing the top of his mousey brown curls. “I won’t push you to do anything. Just because we snogged doesn’t even mean we have to be a couple. You set the pace, ok Moons?” Remus nodded again. He felt so secure in Sirius’ arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confession: I’m as bad at writing transitions as I am at writing smut. I know where I want the plot to go and tbh I don’t care much to write the in between stuff.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING! Graphic depictions of self harm. If this triggers you, please skip the section beginning with: “his mind briefly” and start reading again at “are you alone”. I’ve underlined this section too. Please take care of yourselves.

Ch 12

 

The two boys didn’t mention that night to the other Marauders. They barely mentioned it to each other either. They carried on life as usual, Sirius giving Remus the space that he needed to process not only his coming out but also his feelings about the other boy. Peter and Mary were together almost every weekend, leaving an odd gap for the foursome. There was a lot to navigate. Regulus continued to make jeering comments around Sirius when youngest’s friends were nearby but the two brothers seemed to mostly ignore the other’s existence. 

 

Sirius returned from chemistry one day absolutely seething. The other three boys quickly surrounded him trying to figure out what happened and how to help. Sirius hadn’t said anything yet when Snape appeared behind them. 

 

“Of course you’d run to your little friends.” He spat. 

 

“Leave him alone.” Remus said fiercely. 

 

“I’m not listening to anything a fag has to say. You fucking queer!” Snape yelled back. 

 

“Excuse me?” Remus yelled. His heart was suddenly beating so fast. This wasn’t like Snape’s normal insults, there was a knowing look in Snape’s eyes. 

 

“You heard me. Bloody shirt lifter! I knew queer was catching and Black over here confirmed it last period. He told me all about you and your disgusting ways.” 

 

Remus was frozen. He had gone completely white. Sirius, James, and even Peter looked beyond angry beside him but Remus couldn’t do anything. Sound was beginning to sound muffled and all he heard was the beating in his chest. 

 

“You shut your mouth Snape!” James growled. 

 

“Or what, Potter?” Then Snape got up on one of the tables in the Great Hall. Remus’ limbs all went numb, he was terrified. “HEY EVERYONE!” He yelled though the whole room was looking at him anyway from him standing on a table. Teachers were beginning to run down to stop him but it all happened too fast. “Better stay away from Black and Lupin! They’re a bunch of fairies, the both of them are bent, and it’s…” whatever he was about to say was cut off as Sirius knocked Snape off the table and began throwing fists at him. Snape’s head hit a chair hard and there were gasps all around. The teachers had reached them finally but James was faster and trying to pull Sirius off of Snape. As many eyes were on Sirius and Snape were also on Remus. 

 

Remus felt such anger and such shame. He ran out of the Great Hall blinking tears from his eyes. His hip hurt horribly to run but he didn’t care, in fact, he welcomed the pain, it felt good and not enough all at the same time. He let his legs carry him to an empty bathroom far from the Great Hall and sank into a toilet stall. 

 

Anger had dissolved into self loathing. How could he be so dumb as to trust Sirius? Sirius was always impulsive and thinking of himself. How could he be so dumb as to think his friends cared for him? He was nothing, he didn’t deserve friends, he deserved pain. 

 

His mind briefly flashed to the scenes at the campsite when he was 5 years old. He should have died then. That man, he was the only one who truly saw Remus for what he was and what he deserved. Remus deserved pain, he deserved death. 

 

He dug his nails into his palms but it wasn’t enough. He was grateful he hadn’t left his messenger bag in the Great Hall, reaching into the front pocket, he pulled out a small pocket knife that he kept there. Slowly, methodically, he pushed the knife into his upper thigh and watched as the blood bubbled up. This was what he deserved. One, two, three cuts: his head slowly cleared as the pain seared through him. Remus’ breathing returned to normal, the monster within him quieting. He repeated one, two, three cuts on his other thigh and felt the tightness in his chest go. He breathed deep and gathered up a wad of toilet paper to clean the blood off the knife and his legs. His mind was clearer now and this was the point where he felt anger at the monster for causing him to hurt. The toilet paper stuck to the cuts but he got most of them cleaned up. He pulled out some neosporin and bandaids from the same pocket in his bag and then pulled his jeans back up. He flushed the bloodied tissues down the toilet and just in time because a moment later he heard James’ voice calling out: “Remus? Are you in here?” Remus sighed. 

 

“Are you alone ?” 

 

“Yeah, uh Sirius is with Professor McGonagall, he knocked Snape out, beat the shit out of him.” He offered in way of explanation, “I just needed to make sure you were ok.” 

 

“Oh yeah. Never better.” Remus snapped back but still unlatched the toilet stall and went to wash his hands. He wasn’t sure if he hoped James would see the blood he was scrubbing off his hands or if he wanted to hide in shame from his friend. 

 

“I think Sirius is going to get a suspension.” James said. 

 

“Good, I don’t care.” Remus replied while he dried off his hands.

 

“Hey I’m mad with him too.” James said, looking hurt at how short Remus was being with him. “It wasn’t right what he did.”

 

“Listen James, I know you mean well, but I just don’t want to talk right now.” Remus said back. As best he could through the pain, he pushed passed James and made the decision he would walk home and skiv off the rest of the afternoon classes. 

 

Remus could not believe it still. His phone was blowing up and he entertained the thought of just blocking Sirius completely but instead he just put his phone on “do not disturb” mode. He made sure to lock his window that night, not wanting Sirius to come in through it. He told his mother he wasn’t hungry, she whispered sweet Welsh encouragements to him but he brushed her off and said he really wanted to be alone. The next day, thankfully Friday, Remus didn’t come out of his room. He didn’t eat, he ignored his medication alarms, he just wanted to sink into his mattress and disappear. He wondered how he could even go back to school after this. Around noon the doorbell rang. 

 

“He hasn’t been feeling well.” Remus heard his mom say to the person at the door. When he heard Sirius’ voice respond anger started to build inside him. How dare he show up at his house after everything. Couldn’t he see that Remus just wanted to be alone. He pulled the covers up over his face when a tentative knock came at his door. 

 

“Go away!” He growled. 

 

“Remus…. Re. Please? Please let me in?” The voice pleaded from the other side. 

 

“I don’t want to talk to you!” 

 

“Please? I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry! Please Re?” 

 

Remus could not believe it when his legs swung out of bed and his hand reached for the doorknob. His body seemed to be acting on its own, anger he always kept buried down was coming up to the surface. 

 

“Do you ever know when to quit do you Sirius?” He began as he stood in the doorway face to face with the smaller boy, “No! Of course you don’t! You don’t care about what I want! About what I might be going through! About my fucking consent because all that matters is you!” 

 

Remus knew his mother could hear him but he was too angry and would have to deal with that conversation later. Yet another thing Sirius had taken away the decision of from him. 

 

“It may not have been a big deal for you to come out but it was for me! I don’t care if you think the world shouldn’t care, if you think everyone should know! But you took that choice away from me! You DO NOT get to come out for me! I’m the one who gets to decide WHO and WHEN and HOW people know! You only think about yourself! Fucking impulsive and selfish!” Sirius was crying, maybe Remus was too but he couldn’t tell, all he saw at this point was red. “You of all people should know! Should respect someone’s need to come out on their own damn time! But no! You took that away from me!” 

 

Remus didn’t realize but his arm had raised, he wanted to hurt Sirius back for hurting him. Instead he threw his fist into the doorframe, it hurt, bad, but he didn’t let it show on his face and just continued. 

 

“I can’t believe you! Why would you do this to me! You took away my fucking choice and that’s not ok! I don’t think I can ever forgive you.” The last sentence came out quietly, “you need to go.” He added breathing hard. Sirius was still crying, he looked up with a pleading look but swallowed the last of what he wanted to say and turned to leave. Remus slammed his door and went back to his bed. 

 

A few moments later the door opened. Remus groaned, he did not want to deal with this now. Yet another thing Sirius got to decide for him. 

 

“Annwyl, what’s going on?” Hope asked sitting on the bed beside him. Remus really didn’t want to say anything but it was his mother, she was always so sweet with him, always there for him. He curled his body into a ball and pulled the covers tightly around him. When he spoke, he spoke into his pillow. 

 

“He betrayed my trust. I told him something the other night…. something I hadn’t told anyone and he went and told the whole school.” 

 

“You don’t have to tell me Remus if you don’t want to.” Hope reached under the covers and took Remus’ hand in hers a squeezed but Remus shook his head. She pulled the covers off of Remus’ face and wiped the tears from his cheeks like when he was a child. 

 

“You heard anyway though,” he said matter-of-factly. Hope nodded. “Yeah, figured. I wasn’t quiet. Sorry, Ma.” 

 

“It’s ok, annwyl.” Remus nodded now and took a deep breath. Before he spoke, he sat up a bit more so he was facing Hope. 

 

“Ma, I like boys and girls, I’m bi… I think. I’m still figuring out the terms. But I think about boys the same way I think about girls and I haven’t been sure how to talk about it yet.” 

 

Hope’s expression was nothing but kind, she pulled Remus into a hug and he didn’t realize but he had started crying again. They sat there for a while, Remus crying into his mother’s shoulder like when he was a small child. It felt good, so comforting, to be held by her. When he stopped crying, he looked up and thanked her. Just like with the anger, he hadn’t realized how much hurt he had been holding on to. Hope said something about getting lunch started and making some tea for them both but as she made to leave the room, a thought came to Remus. 

 

“Ma?” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Will you let me tell Da. In my own time. I don’t want you to keep secrets from him but… I want to be the one to tell him.” 

 

“Of course, annwyl. It’s your information to tell, but listen Re. You will always be our boy. You will always be our Remus. I wouldn’t worry, your father will love you just the same.” Remus smiled at this, his first true smile all day. “How about some peppermint tea?” She asked and Remus nodded, so grateful for Hope. 

 

When she left the room, Remus dared to pick up his phone for the first time since yesterday. He had missed calls from all the Marauders and Alice, texts from everyone. The group chat was silent but both James and Peter had sent hopeful and care filled texts to him throughout last night and this morning. Sirius had sent close to 70 messages apologizing, Remus did not feel ready to read this yet. He opened the text thread with Alice and sent a quick, “I’m fine but I don’t feel like talking.” To her. Before he put the phone down the three dots appeared. “So I’ll be there in 10, just gotta borrow the car.” She replied back and Remus groaned. There was no stopping Alice on a mission, might as well tell Hope to set an extra seat at the table for supper. 

 

~~

 

Because Alice was Alice it was only 15 minutes before she was pushing through Remus’ door, kicking off her shoes, and falling back into the carpet. Two things about Alice, she never wore shoes if she could help it, and she never sat on furniture. 

 

“You’ve been ignoring me.” She said from her spot on the floor. Oh, a third thing, she never beat around the bush. 

 

“No, I haven’t.” Remus tried to lie but it was no use, Alice was his oldest friend, older still to The Marauders. They used to do everything together, she was like his sister at this point. They had once been across the street neighbors. She didn’t care that Remus couldn’t ride bikes like a normal 6 year old. They just lay in the grass by her swing set and watched the clouds until the stars came out. When his family had moved at 11, he made a huge effort to stay just as close to her. She was two years older but they still had gone to the same school until Alice started university this year. She never made their age out to be any reason to not be friends. Though she was right, since the day that Sirius had shown up at his door, Remus had been ignoring Alice. Just as he had been ignoring his own feelings. Alice always saw right through his lies and if he was honest with himself, he was afraid of what she would say.

 

“So?” She crosses her arms and fixed him with a knowing stare. Remus sipped quietly from the tea Hope had brought up not too long ago. 

 

“I’m sorry?” He tried. 

 

“Damn right you are.” She replied and her expression softened. “So, bi huh? Did a certain handsome long-haired boy help you figure that out? Or I guess he’s shaved now.” Ah, there was Alice. He didn’t even question how she had found out, she may not attend Hogwarts anymore but Alice always knew the gossip. 

 

“Shut up Alice, it wasn’t like that. I mean, yes he helped me figure it out but not like that.” 

 

“Ok ok, so. Tell me everything! How did you knooow! How do you feeeel?” She exaggerated the vowels in her words. 

 

“I don’t know Alice.” Remus brought his knees to his chest, a difficult task not only because of his bad hip but also due to how tall he was, all legs and no torso. “I’m mostly just angry and hurt right now. But before that, I don’t know. I guess it felt good? To finally put a name to how I’ve been feeling.” 

 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Alice said, she sounded a bit hurt but Remus knew better, she just was trying to understand the whole picture. 

 

“I don’t think I really knew myself. I’ve had so much going on, I just. I wanted to be normal.” 

 

“Silly Remus, don’t you know gay is the new normal!” Alice joked, sticking her tongue out at Remus. “But you didn’t know?” 

 

“No, not really. Like I know there’s people who can say they always knew but I just figured: I like girls and boys are pretty cool too. Doesn’t everyone think this way.” He shrugged. “I just wasn’t ready for the whole world to know yet.” 

 

“I know Rem. To be fair, only Hogwarts knows. And really then, not many people paid attention. It’ll blow over by next week. Malfoy will have some party, someone will snog someone while drunk or high and it’ll be all the school talks about.” 

 

“Thanks Alice.” 

 

“Always.” 

 

“So, speaking of snogging. Tell me about your date with Frank.” Alice was always keen to talk about her and Frank’s relationship. She did not stop talking until Hope called them both down for supper. Remus was admittedly in a much better mood since she chose to come over. At least he still had some good friends around him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is I’m sorry. It had to happen.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Incident. In which Remus hides from his feelings.

Ch 13 

 

Hope let Remus stay home on Monday. Then, for the first time in his life, Remus could say he was thankful to get sick on Tuesday. Though asthma attacks, sleeping, and a doctor’s visit to prescribe more steroids, Remus really couldn’t say he was lucky but he was thankful for some extra days off and reasons to not look at his phone. 

 

The group chat was still quiet, James and Peter had created a separate chat for just the three of them excluding Sirius. They tried to make Remus feel better about the whole thing and show they were separating from Sirius to a degree. However, Remus had an inkling they were still talking to Sirius. For one, James was practically his brother and they now lived together and two, Peter didn’t really have the courage to stay mad at a friend too long. He left all messages from the Marauders on read. 

 

When he returned to school a week later everything just seemed amiss. The other students weren’t bad, in fact, they barely acknowledged Remus which to be fair he preferred. James and Peter tried to talk to him, but he just ignored them. He would arrive just on time to classes they shared, sit in a far away seat, and leave right when the bell rang. He would hide out in the library during free period and duck into bathrooms in between classes to avoid them in the halls. They seemed to get the picture after a few days of this. Remus was glad to note that Sirius, though he snuck a few glances over at Remus during class, did not say a word to him nor text him since their argument at Remus’ house. 

 

Life just continued. Classes were hard, papers were due, hips hurt, lungs were on fire, brain was fogged, but overall, life continued. When Alice or Hope or Lyall would ask how he was, Remus would shrug and say “fine” and go back to reading his book. Alice came over a few times, Hope bugged him to go over to Peter’s house, and Lyall slipped up once at dinner and said he hadn’t seen Sirius in a while and why didn’t Remus invite him over. 

 

Remus just shrugged off these comments. He threw himself into his schoolwork, he said he was worried about exams though they weren’t for a few months now. He ignored the worried glances across the dinner table. He pretended he didn’t hear the low whispers from the living room as Hope and Lyall discussed calling Remus’ old therapist. He blatantly looked the other way when he felt Sirius’ eyes on him in class. Remus was “fine”, or at least he said he was. 

 

It was close to a month later of this routine when Remus slipped up. The weather was unusually nice, his hip wasn’t bothering him, and the fog even felt lifted. It felt like for the first time in almost a month his head was above water. Instead of going to the library during lunch, Remus headed outside. He sat by the lake in the spot the Marauders normally sat and spread out on the grass. The sun was so lovely, he even closed his eyes. He was snapped back to when the stink of cigarettes wafted over to him.  _ Probably a 7th year. Fuck them they think they’re above all.  _ Remus thought as he slowly opened his eyes and got to his feet. 

 

It wasn’t a 7th year. Remus looked up to see none other than Sirius standing by the lake, with a cigarette between his lips. 

 

“What the fuck Sirius!” Remus exclaimed causing the smaller boy to jump. He was far enough away he must not have seen Remus on the ground. Remus just rolled his eyes and started headed back towards the school. He was so in his head and upset at Sirius that he didn’t even notice anyone else around him until he collided straight into Lily Evans. 

 

“Whoa!” Lily said looking dazed. 

 

“Sorry!” 

 

“It’s ok,” she pulled at her school shirt to make sure it was straight. “Where are you running to so fast?” 

 

“Running from really.” Remus muttered. 

 

“Oh? Does this have to do with the fact that you’ve been ignoring your friends?” She struck Remus with a piercing look. He looked at his feet. It’s not that he and Lily weren’t friends, it was more that they just had never spent enough time together to become friends. She was in several of the same upper level classes at Remus and of course James’ crush made it so they crossed paths often. They had been in similar study groups several times and even eaten lunch together before. Yet, they weren’t at the level where they talked regularly. He was shocked she even noticed he wasn’t talking to the others. 

 

“I don’t know what you mean.” He lied. 

 

“Yes, you do. All of Hogwarts has noticed, the Marauders have disbanded, ever since that incident with Severus.” Remus sighed. 

 

“Yeah. Well that’s why. I can’t forgive Sirius for what he did, can I? He betrayed my trust.”

 

“Let’s walk.” Lily said and he noticed they were still awkwardly standing by the entrance doors. “Look, far be it for me to tell you what to do. I don’t know the full details of it all. But I do know, you four are such good friends. I don’t think there’s anyone closer at Hogwarts, or at least no one batty enough to name their friends group.” Remus chuckled. “I can understand why you’ve stopped talking to Sirius but what about the other two? I don’t think you’re going through this alone, James hasn’t seemed like himself either. I mean he hasn’t tried to ask me out at all this month. Hate to say it but I kinda miss it.” 

 

“I-I didn’t realize.” 

 

“I’m not saying forgive him right away, but maybe talk to them?” 

 

“I don’t know Lily… I’m not sure I can.” 

 

“You don’t have to suffer alone.” 

 

“I’m not alone.” He replied defensively but Lily stuck him with another knowing stare. 

 

“Give me your phone. I’m putting my number and you’re going to keep me updated on talking to the others.” Remus sighed but handed his phone over. “Come on now. Let’s get to class.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Lily was there for you when no one else was.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus reaches out to the other boys.

Ch 14

Remus considered ignoring what Lily had said earlier that day. It wasn’t that he didn’t want his friends back, it’s just that he felt slightly embarrassed now after having been called out. He hadn’t thought that his absence would have changed anything. In fact, his mental status only increased his belief that the others would be better without him there. 

_Lily Evans to Remus Lupin_  
16:54 have you talked to them yet? 

_Remus Lupin to Lily Evans_  
16:55 No. I don’t know how.   
Lily Evans and Remus Lupin  
16:55 Just talk to them! I promise it will be ok. 

Remus opened the group chat with Peter and James. He considered briefly scrolling through the messages he had received over the past month, strong at first and diminishing as they noticed Remus was not responding, but the quantity just made him anxious. How was he to start the conversation? He flipped in and out of the group text, clicking back to Lily and to Alice and thinking maybe he should just text them instead. Finally, with a deep breath, he sent “hi.” There it was sent.

_Seen by James Potter.  
Seen by Peter Pettigrew. _

_James Potter is typing…_

Ok, this wasn’t so bad. Remus had to admit to himself he has missed them all. 

_Seen by Sirius Black._

“SHIT!” Remus yelled aloud. A moment later Hope’s voice carried down the hall. 

“You ok annwyl?” She asked and he could hear her beginning to walk down.

“Uh… yeah Ma! Sorry, stubbed my toe. I’m ok!” He called out a lie as he stared at his phone wanting to die. He had clicked the wrong group chat.

_Remus Lupin to Lily Evans_  
17:04 LILY HELP! I ACCIDENTALLY TEXTED SIRIUS!

_Lily Evans is typing…._

_James Potter to the Marauders_  
17:04 Hi…   
17:05 are you speaking to us again? 

_Lily Evans to Remus Lupin_  
17:06 istg! Texting? I said to talk to them! You know, go to Potter’s house, hash things out, forgive each other.   
17:07 Sorry, didnt mean to itys but seriously! 

_Remus Lupin to Lily Evans_  
17:07 itys?   
17:07 what do I do! James just asked if I was speaking to them again! 

_Lily Evans to Remus Lupin_  
17:07 i told you so  
17:08 well are you?

_Peter Pettigrew to the Marauders_  
17:08 missed u! 

_Remus Lupin to Lily Evans_  
17:08 I think so? 

Remus wasn’t sure what he wanted, but he knew he wasn’t ready for Sirius to see how he had been feeling. He switched back to the group chat that was only James and Peter, doubling checking about a hundred times before sending, “I texted the Marauders by accident. not ready to talk to Sirius. Don’t think I ever will. Can we meet up in person?” Peter responded within seconds offering his house. 

_Remus Lupin to Lily Evans_  
17:13 I’m meeting James and Peter in a few minutes.  
17:14 why am I so nervous to meet with my friends?   
17:17 Ma is driving me and istg I’ve never been this nervous.  
17:19 Lily this is a really bad time to go silent! 

Maybe he shouldn’t have texted that last one, Remus thought, after all, he and Lily didn’t really know each other and he was being very needy. Remus stared out the window trying not to think about what the others would say and trying not to focus on how excited Hope had been to drive him to a friend’s house. His phone buzzed.

_Lily Evans to Remus Lupin_  
17:24 Sorry, sister called. Drama. You’ll be fine! Glad you’re going to talk to them! 

Remus wanted to respond, wondering what was going on with Lily’s sister (and also she had a sister?) but at that moment Hope pulled into the Pettigrew driveway. Peter lived in a smaller home than James’, it was modest, but still ritzier than Remus’ on the other side of town. The Pettigrews, like the Potters, belonged to new money but they didn’t like to flaunt it. Peter’s dad always said he worked hard for his money, working in the field of IT security, and he did not want it wasted before Peter even got a chance to see it. 

Remus stood in front of their door, he knew the Pettigrews could see him through their fancy new doorbell but he didn’t know whether to ring the bell or just walk in. So much had changed in the last month and he was fully unsure of their dynamics now. Thankfully he wasn’t stood outside the door long because the door swung open and Peter grinned up at him. 

“What are you a vampire? Come in.” Peter joked. “You know the doorbell detects movement and alerts us right?”   
“Oh yeah… I didn’t know….” Remus stopped there rubbing the back of his neck.

“Come on up.” They climbed the stairs to Peter’s bedroom but halfway up the stairs Peter stopped and pulled Remus into what could only be described as a “bro hug.” Peter was not one for physicality and this threw Remus off. “Missed you mate. Then the hug was over just as quickly and Peter was four steps higher. 

James was already up there, of course, sitting in a gaming chair Peter had on the floor that always made Remus’ hips hurt. Remus looked around and was relieved that Sirius wasn’t there. As if reading his mind, James said, 

“I told Sirius to stay home. He wanted to come. He misses you too, you know.” Remus shrugged at this not knowing what to say. 

“I’m sorry for being such a prat?” He offered after a moment’s silence. 

“Damn right you are!” James replied, “Why have you been giving us the silent treatment for over a month!”

“I-I haven’t,” Remus said but both James and Peter threw a stare over at him quite reminiscent of Lily earlier that day. “Ok. I don’t know. I felt bad for myself and I didn’t want to see anyone. Then it just got easier not to talk to you guys. Only, it wasn’t easier, I was miserable. I didn’t realize until Lily --” 

“LILY?” James perked up and interrupted Remus’ apology. “Lily, love of my life, the light of the world Lily?” 

“Well, Lily Evans, but sure.” Remus chuckled. 

“You talked to Lily without me!” James almost seemed insulted. 

“I sort of ran into her earlier and she knocked some sense into me, said I’d been being stupid.” 

“She is so smart isn’t she?” James added, his eyes glossing over. 

Not too long after that things seemed to return to normal. The strain of the last month dissolved. They talked about it all, filled each other in on what they had missed. James asked about a million and one questions about Lily which Remus could not answer. Peter filled Remus in on several more dates he had taken Mary on. Remus admitted that everything Snape had said was true, minus the slurs, and he shared that he hadn’t been so sure about his sexuality and that’s why he hadn’t come out to the others yet. He admitted that maybe he still wasn’t sure about his sexuality. Surprisingly Peter was the one to reassure Remus that this was ok, at his shock, Peter admitted that he had been doing some research into the LGBTQ+ community since Snape’s big announcement after he apparently had said some rather rude comments to both James and Sirius through his ignorance. 

“You’re not mad at me are you?” Peter asked Remus. 

“No, thanks for trying to learn,” He smiled. “Maybe I’ll need to borrow some of those books when you’re done.” Peter looked sheepish at this comment. They kept talking and filling each other in after that moment until Hope texted Remus to see if he wanted to be picked up before dinner.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a texting convo takes place.

**Ch 15**

 

_ Sirius Black to Remus Lupin _

01:18 Mooooooons

01:18 Moony, Moony, Mooons! 

01:18 I miss you. 

01:19 You’ve got the perfect nickname

01:19 Your as brilliant as the moon 

01:19 beautiful  bright ever changing  big

01:20 ha-ha see what I did there

01:21 I think I could get lost staring at the moon and you

01:22 Do you miss me too? 

01:22 I know I fucked up

01:22 I fuck everythig uop

01:23 regs is right, walbrsufga and orion are right 

01:26 why did i have to fusck it up with yuo? 

 

_ Calling Sirius Black…..  _

 

“Mooony?” A too bright, too loud, too drunk voice called through. 

“Oh thank God.” Remus breathed. “Sirius, where are you?” 

“Uhm… I can see the moon from here.” 

“That is literally the opposite of helpful. How much have you had to drink?” 

“Tonight or last night?”

“Sirius, that’s the same thing.” 

“No, no, no silly Moony. Tonight is from midnight to now, last night was from 1800 to midnight. It’s different see.” 

“Sirius, where are you?” 

“There are trees.” 

“Are you in a park? Forest?” 

“Moony, Mooony, Moon. The moon is so pretty, just like you.” 

“Sirius, it’s three in the morning, please tell me where you are.” 

“Reminds me of you…. So pretty, ‘member when we came here? Looked so good in that grey jumper …. With the colorful flecks in them. That’s a fun word, flecks… flecks… flecks… Moony isn’t that a good word?” 

“Uh huh Pads… it is.”

 

_ Remus Lupin to James Potter and Peter Pettigrew _

03:35 I know where he is. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drink responsibly kids!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius is found.

Ch 16

“Stay with me Pads, are you still at the park?” Remus worriedly spoke into the phone. 

James had picked him up in his mom’s car with Peter in tow and they travelled together to the other side of town. When Sirius had mentioned the jumper, Remus knew right away where he was. There was a park right across from the Black home on Grimmauld Place, deep down the walking path was a bench. They had sat on that bench when Remus had needed a break, sitting in silence and staring at the sky as the stars came out. The moon had a way of shining right through the top of the trees. It was a different time of year now and perhaps the moon would be in a different position but Remus was sure that’s where Sirius was now.

“Pads, you still there?”

“ ‘mmhere,” He muttered.

“Seriously, how much did he drink?” Remus muttered to James who shrugged.

“ ‘mmalways Sirius silly goose,” came Sirius’ voice on the other end. 

“We’re almost at the park Siri… we’ll be there soon.” 

“You too Moons?” Sirius said, sounding more awake.

“Me too.” 

“Ohhhh noooo but but Moony, but Moony, no! Remus is so mad at me. He’s really really mad at me.” 

“It’s ok Padfoot, it’s ok. I want you to be safe.” Then he turned to James who had just parked the car. “You run ahead, find him.” He tried to ignore how desperate his voice sounded at that moment. It was moments like this he wished he weren’t disabled, he wanted to be able to run to where Sirius was, make sure he was safe, wrap him in his arms. 

“Padfoot, Prongs is going to find you.” 

“No, nooo, Prongs doesn’t know I snuck out. He’ll be so mad!” 

“No one is mad, we just want to find you.” 

“Mooons.” Sirius moaned quietly. “Moooony.”

“Yes Padfoot?”

“Do you hate me?” 

“No, Sirius. I don’t hate you.” 

“But you said you’d never forgive me.” 

“I know but I don’t hate you.” 

“I’m sad I made you mad.”

“I know.”

“Moony?”

“Yeah?”

“Why is Prongs walking through the forest! He’s got horns on his head! He’s turned into Prongs for real!” Then he burst out laughing. Remus heard James’ voice then, “Shut up Padfoot, you’ll get the police called on you. Now come on we’re going to go see Moony and Wormtail.” 

“Padfoot, I’m going to hang up on you now. James, you got him?”

“Yeah, we’re good Remus.” Came James’ reply but Sirius cut in, “No! Don’t leave Moooony!” 

“You’re coming to see me right now.” 

“Stay on the phone with me?” 

“Ok. I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, drink responsibly kids! 
> 
> This may or may not be inspired by some of the people I hung out with in college when binge drinking was all the fad and we didn't care about things like the police getting called on us....


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which all four Marauders are back together again.

Ch 17

James half-pushed, half-assisted Sirius into the backseat next to Remus when they returned. 

“What’s say we get out of here before the police really do show up?” He said. 

“Moooony,” Sirius whined, “Help me with the buckle.” Remus raised an eyebrow at him but at the sad state of him missing the seat belt five times in a row, Remus took pity and leaned over to help him. “You smell soooo good Moons.” Remus pulled away as soon as he clicked the seat belt. 

“Can I stay the night?” Remus asked pointedly to James without looking at Sirius or acknowledging his prior comment. 

“Yeah, no problem.” James replied looking at Remus in the rear view mirror. Remus noticed that now that they had Sirius, James was nervous to be driving. Not only had he taken the car without his parents’ permission, or even told them he was leaving, but he also did not have his license to drive on public roads yet. 

The drive went fine though in the end, though it was long. About five minutes in, Sirius slumped over and fell asleep. Remus allowed himself the vulnerability to let his walls down and look at the boy, asleep and drunk he looked so sad. It was hard to be mad at him like this. Sirius had to admit, he had missed him so deeply as if he had had his leg ripped off (and his good one at that). He closed the gap that was between them and allowed Sirius to rest his head on his shoulder. 

A deep snore made Remus jump, he must’ve fallen asleep because looking out the window they were on the Potter’s street. Peter had fallen asleep in the passenger seat but James must have been running on adrenaline because he was still very much awake and still anxiously looking through the dash. 

“Thanks Prongs.” Remus said as he pulled into the Potter’s driveway.

“Yeah, of course. Now help me get these two in the house.” 

Peter woke with no trouble but as they tried to get Sirius up the pathway to the house, he ducked down and vomited right into the bushes. 

“Eugh!” James screamed. Peter looked away looking as if he were going to vomit himself. Remus, however, felt a surge of desire to take care of Sirius in that moment. He brought his hand up to the space between his shoulders and rubbed gently until Sirius composed himself enough to stand back up. 

“Come on Pads, let’s get you to bed.” 

They made it up to the stairs and stood between James and Sirius’ rooms. James inclined his head to his own room, “you and Pete take my room, I’ll bunk with Sirius.” 

Remus shook his head, “You drove, sleep in your own bed, I’ll watch after him, I took a nap in the car anyway.” 

“You sure?” Both Peter and James asked. Remus nodded. It felt like something he needed to do. So all four boys, Sirius with the help of Remus, turned to their rooms and shut the doors. Remus, thankfully, found a bottle of water by Sirius’ bed and made him sip the entire thing before getting into bed and allowing sleep to take him over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, these past few chapters have been a bit shorter. I've just begun classes again and reading about 2 books a week for school which takes up a large chunk of time. Hopefully, you can forgive me because THE MARAUDERS ARE BACK TOGETHER (for now)!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are consequences to actions but conversations are had.

Ch 18 

“WHY IS THERE VOMIT IN MY BUSHES!” Woke all four boys the next morning. “JAMES FLEAMONT POTTER YOU GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!” Thankfully, this meant Remus had no time to consider the fact that he had woken up cuddled next to Sirius on his small bed and instead was able to draw his attention to texting his mother to pick him up, as he was sure Mrs. Potter would be grounding James and Sirius until the end of time. Remus was pulling his converse back on and using the bedside table to assist him in standing when Sirius stirred beside him.

“Rem?” He asked groggily. “What are you doing here?” But at that moment the door opened,

“SIRIUS ORION BLACK YOU GET OUT OF BED NOW!” Remus saw Sirius flinch and he wasn’t sure if it was the fear or the hangover. “Hello Remus dear, I think it’s best if your parents picked you up now.” She said calmly and then went over to the bed where Sirius was stirring and went back to yelling at him for stealing their liquor and running away last night. Remus, to avoid the awkwardness of watching his friend get scolded, slunk out of the room and down the kitchen where he drank tea with Mr. Potter and waited for his mother to arrive. When he finally got back home he crashed and slept into the afternoon.

~~

 _Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_  
10:48 just add this to my tab of things I’m sorry for. 

_James Potter to Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew_  
11:15 I’ve never heard Mum yell so much  
11:16 Sirius and I are very much grounded. Still got our phones though! Thanks for the help in the rescue mission lads. 

_Remus Lupin to Sirius Black_  
14:30 How’re you feeling? 

_Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_  
14:31 Like 5 cement trucks decided to pour into my brain  
14:31 Thank you for coming to get me  
14:31 I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused, I just keep fucking up

 _Remus Lupin to Sirius Black_  
14:32 It’s ok, do you want to talk about it? 

_Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_  
14:32 I’m grounded for sneaking out  
14:32 I don’t think I should sneak out more 

_Remus Lupin to Sirius Black_  
14:33 There’s this thing called a phone call

 _Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_  
14:34 Oh. 

_Sirius Black calling…._

“Hi”  
“Hi”  
…...  
“I’m sorry Moony, I really am, I don’t know how to convince you of how sorry I am, I know I’ve fucked this all up.”  
“Shhh, Pads it’s ok. I’m still mad, but less so I think? What you did wasn’t right but I think I’m reading to start forgiving you.”  
“R-really?”  
“Maybe”  
“I miss you”  
“I’ve missed you too Pads”  
……  
“Why did you do it?”  
“I-I don’t know, Slughorn paired up me and Snape and he was being insufferable and making fun of me… but I could take that. Then he started having a go at you and I had to set him straight.”  
“That still wasn’t right of you.”  
“I know. It wasn’t mine to tell but I did anyway. I was impulsive and I’m so so sorry.”  
…..  
“Moony?”  
“Yeah, I’m here. Just thinking.”  
“Good thinking?”  
“Not bad thinking.”  
“Oh.”  
…….  
“What happened yesterday?”  
“Reg texted me, just some bullshit about being written out of the will and such. I mean, I knew I had been burned off the tapestry and I don’t want to be their family but still it just seems final. Then your text and you didn’t even want to talk to me, which I understand but….”  
“But, you felt alone… and I made you feel that way.”  
“No! No way Remus. You are not putting this on yourself.”  
“But it was my fault too.”  
“No, it wasn’t. What is it you always would tell me about my parents? About responsibility.”  
“I am only responsible for myself and my actions. I cannot control the actions or responses of anyone else.”  
“Right so.”  
“I don’t think that applies here.”  
“Well it should.”  
……  
“Are you still mad at me?”  
…..  
“I don’t think so.”  
“Moony?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is a personal low spoon day. Your lovely comments keep me going as I am bed bound. Love you all! <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Moony calls Padfoot.

Ch 19 

“So are you talking to him again?” Peter asked the following afternoon as they hung out in Remus’ living room.

“I think we are?” 

“Good.” That was all Peter said on the subject and he turned back to beating Remus at Mario Kart and talking about an upcoming date he had. 

They got bored soon and Peter packed up to head home and Remus stayed in the living room with his book. It wasn’t that he and Peter didn’t get along, it’s just they never really spent much one on one time together and it just felt awkward without at least one other there. 

Remus read the same page over and over again, he was reading _Simon vs the Homo Sapien Agenda_ , and it just didn’t feel right without Sirius somehow. He had been shoving this feeling deep down every time it came up in the last month. Now that he and Sirius were… somewhat talking, it was harder to ignore that Remus needed Sirius in his life. He couldn’t explain why but he was attracted to Sirius like a magnet. Not even in a romantic or sexual way, though those feelings were there too. Moreso as a friend, as a second half of him, he missed reading to Sirius. He missed Sirius climbing in through his window, and he missed laying in bed with him and just holding hands until the covers.   
Remus shook himself out of his thoughts and went to his room, even there he couldn’t shake his thoughts about Sirius. He briefly entertained the idea of wanking off as the thoughts of Sirius overcame him, but no, he didn’t quite feel like that right this second. He stared at his phone and at the book at his side and decided to make a call.

_Calling Sirius Black….._

“Hey?”  
“Hi. This ok?”  
“Yeah! You ok Moony?”  
“Yeah I’m fine.”  
….  
“Have you thought over it all anymore?”  
“I don’t really want to talk about all that Pads.”   
….  
“Why did you call? OH! Not that I’m upset or anything but! What did you want to talk about?”   
“Well…. Shit…. No it’s going to sound stupid.”  
“You could never sound stupid Moonbeam.”  
“Well, can I read to you?”  
“What?”  
“See, stupid!”  
“No, no, no! I just wasn’t expecting that. Then again, it is the Moony equivalent to asking for phonesex.”   
“Shut up!”   
“Yes daddy.”   
“Isweartogodpadfoot!”  
“HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok, ok, I’m done. Yes, yes, of course, you can read to me. I would love that actually.”   
“Do you remember where we were or want me to start the book over?”   
“Could you?”  
“Yeah!”  
….  
“Moony?”  
“Just getting comfortable. Are you comfortable?”  
“This is like phonesex.”   
“Ohmygodpadfoot!”   
“Go ahead, I’ll be good.”  
…..  
“Please?”  
“ _It’s a weirdly subtle conversation. I almost don’t notice I’m being blackmailed._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another great LGBTQ+ book. Writing this is only making me want to reread.   
> This was my last prewritten chapter but I think I know where the next few will go. For now, the boys need to be ungrounded!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius sneaks over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of childhood abuse/rape.

Ch 20

_“You’re such a big boy aren’t you” “mmhmm, I’m five.” “Five huh? That is big.” “I know how to put the dishes away and get my own breakfast and help Ma and Da with the grill… though they won’t let me touch the buttons.” “You sound perfect for helping me with a project in my cabin.” “Can I?” “Of course, it’s just over here…”  
“NO! NO! THAT HURTS! STOP IT!” “BE STILL YOU LITTLE BRAT!” -CRACK-_

Remus woke in a cold sweat, the sound of his hip snapping still ringing in his ears. He drew himself up into a seated position against his headboard and drew his knees in tight. Ignoring the tears that had begun to stream down his face, he picked up his phone.  
_Ok, three things I can see… the bed, my phone, the moonlight. Three things I can touch…. The soft blanket, my hair…._  
Remus continued his grounding exercise that his counselor had taught him, slowly regaining control of where he was and that it had just been a nightmare. Remus flipped his phone over, the screen illuminating at the motion.  
02:40 … he didn’t want to go back to sleep though. He stared at his background image, he had just changed it back to a picture of the four Marauders grinning at something off camera, Sirius’ arms were around both James and Remus. Peter had his hands on James’ shoulders doing a sort of jump to be seen by the cameraman, which for this photo happened to be his mom. It was taken at the beginning of summer last year and reminded Remus of bright and sunny days.  
He unlocked his phone with his thumbprint and clicked over to Instagram, no new photos or stories since he had fallen asleep three hours ago. He clicked over to snapchat, same thing there, nothing new, he had one message from Alice “streaks” and a photo of her cat. Remus snapped a photo of his window and sent back “streaks” using the filter that showed the time. This was going to be a long night. 

_Remus Lupin to Sirius Black_  
02:53 I know it’s late but you up?

_Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_  
02:55 Am I getting a booty call from Remus Jenkins Lupin?!?!

_Remus Lupin to Sirius Black_  
02:55 Jenkins?

_Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_  
02:56 **shrugging emoji**  
02:57 Want me to sneak over? 

_Remus Lupin to Sirius Black_  
02:59 I don’t want you to get in trouble.

_Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_  
03:04 Trouble is my middle name. 

_Remus Lupin to Sirius Black_  
03:05 I thought it was Jenkins **winking face emoji**

_Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_  
03:07 It’s really hard to text while riding a bicycle…. Keep having to stop. See you soon. 

Remus hugged his knees tight again and smiled down at his phone. He tried to feel guilty for making Sirius sneak out, but really, who was he kidding. The Potters should have known better than to ground Sirius, he never could stay in his room for that long, even with James just across the hall. He got bored too quickly and if he wasn’t coming over to Remus’, he probably would have snuck out to a bar. 

A quick knock on the window drew Remus out of his thoughts, he hadn’t realized that the window was locked and had to use a lot of effort to cross the room to unlock it. _Psychosomatic_ his counselor would have said. His hip always hurt worse when he had nightmares. Sirius crawled through the window and stood beside Remus, taking him in. Then without a word, picked Remus up bride style making Remus yelp in surprise and carried him over to his bed before laying down next to him.

“Padfoot!” Remus exclaimed once he had been put down. 

“You looked like you hurt.” 

“That doesn’t mean you can pick me up!” 

“Shh, don’t want to wake up Hope.” 

Remus shook his head, “She’s out of town with Da for the weekend. Can’t believe I didn’t tell you, they were terrified to leave me alone. I think they have Alice’s mum checking in on me in the morning but I told them I’d probably sleep at Peter’s or something tomorrow so they wouldn’t worry.” 

“So we can be as loud as we want?” Remus could make out Sirius wiggling his eyebrows in the moonlight. 

“Shut up Padfoot.” Remus hit him lightly on the shoulder, but he couldn’t ignore the feeling that went right to his lower stomach region. They hadn’t talked much since the Incident. Even in their making up, Remus had avoided talking about it. They had read together and gone back to sitting together in classes. They ate meals in the Great Hall with each other. Yet, with Sirius still being grounded, they hadn’t talked about their relationship, what it meant that they still had feelings for each other, or that Sirius had outed Remus in front of the school. Rather, they acted as if everything were normal. Now, with Sirius mere inches away from him, Remus was having a lot of trouble acting as if everything were normal.

The nightmare had dissolved from his mind so quickly when Sirius arrived. He stared into those grey orbs and wondered why he had been so scared just moments before. Remus didn’t know why he had been scared. All he felt now was brave, and with that bravery, he closed the gap between the two and kissed Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The boys are back together!!! I'm as happy as you guys are ;)


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alice comes over, Sirius and Remus share a moment, and their relationship hangs in flux.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were so many ways I wanted this chapter to go, I feel bad to keep throwing things at Remus because to be true to his lycanthropy I think his health issues should be spread out a bit. However, I think this was necessary for the Wolfstar relationship. 
> 
> TW: panic attack

Ch 21

“Remus John LUPIN!” An excited voice way too close to his ear exclaimed. Remus opened his eyes, blinking everything into focus to find Alice’s face just in front of his. 

“Alice, what the fuck, let me sleep.” He groaned and rolled over only to see Sirius next to him in the same half-asleep and confused state that Remus was in. 

Oh, it all came back to him. Sleep deprived, emotions high, and well, horny, the touching and the kissing and the mouths in impossibly delicious places while also not going to the spaces they would have wanted quite yet. The over embarrassingly too quick and the giggles into the pillow afterwards at how the rutted into each other like the world was ending. The awkwardness of figuring out what the other liked and trying to get over the fears they each harbored. Then Remus realized,

“Alice, get out! I’m not dressed.” neither was Sirius for that matter.

“I noticed…” Alice said with a wink, she had been kneeling on the bed next to Remus but now she jumped to her feet. “I’ll get some tea going.” 

“Morning Moony,” Sirius said groggily, looping an arm around Remus’ waist. Such an innocent move that Remus was embarrassed affected him. 

“Pads, we need to get dressed.” 

“What’s the hurry?” Sirius kissed the corner of Remus’ mouth lazily, “It’s just Alice.” His mouth moved down to Remus’ jawline and then the amazing spot just behind his ear that Sirius had learned about the previous night. 

“Si-Sirius.” Remus breathed trying to take control of the situation again as Sirius nibbled on his ear lobe. 

“Yes Re?” He whispered mischievously into the other’s ear. Remus heard the kettle whistle down the hall and pulled away from Sirius.   
“I’m going to go talk to her. You can stay here.” He lifted himself up into a seated position but then paused, “Uh, could you turn around?” 

“Mooooony, I saw it all last night.” 

“Right… well… could you?” 

“Yeah, okay.” 

Remus dressed quickly, moving silently out of the room, and made his way to the kitchen where Alice extended a cup of Irish breakfast to him, milk and three sugars. She grinned at him from her own cup. 

“Shall we bring a cup to your guest?” 

“Shut up Alice, you know Sirius.” 

“I do, I do, but I don’t know Sirius your boyfriend.”

“I don’t think he is?”

“Remus John Lupin, you slag!” 

“Alice!” Remus was turning very red. Remus was saved by Alice’s phone ringing, 

“Yeah, hi mum!” 

…. 

“Yeah, we just were having breakfast.”

….

“He’s fiiiine mum, you can tell Hope that.”

….

“Okay, be home soon.” 

Alice turned to Remus, “Mum wants to know if you want to come for lunch today?” Remus blushed,

“Can you tell her I’m probably going to the Potters.” 

“Sure, sure.” Alice drained her tea and crossed her arms. Remus knew if Alice’s mother hadn’t called, he would have been in for a lot longer visit from Alice. “You owe me a looooong chat.”

“Yes, okay! Once I know what is going on, we can get coffee. Now will you leave?”

“Yeesh, not known for your manners are you Lupin?” But she was giggling, “Ok, I’ll leave you to him.” She gave Remus a hug and left at that, Remus was all too happy to return to Sirius but he figured Sirius might like a cup of tea as well. So he set to making the tea when suddenly a pair of arms linked around his waist. Remus jumped. 

“Mssr Moony, I think you’re requested back in your bed.” Whispered the voice in his ear, planting kisses down his neck. Remus moaned as Sirius sucked on a particularly vulnerable spot on his shoulder. 

“Mssr Padfoot, if you continue to do that we won’t make it back to the bed,” Remus whispered back with a surge of bravery. 

As a response Sirius unlaced his fingers from around Remus’ waist and snaked them up under his shirt. His left hand grazed against his nipple, causing a sharp gasp from Remus. His right hand was trailing along the edge of the elastic of his pajama pants leg. Remus was caught in the newness and desire when Sirius’ fingers swiped across the mangled scar above his hip and Remus tried to jump away from Sirius. But he was caught between Sirius and the counter in front of him. Panic rose in him, he felt trapped. It had been too dark the night before and Sirius’ hands had gone straight to the main event. He wasn’t ready for this. Sirius had noticed that Remus had gone rigid against him and tried to turn him to face him but Remus didn’t move.

“LET GO OF ME!” Remus screamed through the panic and fearfully Sirius stepped back. Remus sunk to the floor pulling his knees in to his chest. He knew it was just Sirius, he knew he wasn’t in danger, but he was terrified. Remus felt the need, the desire, to hurt. He didn’t want to be here anymore but this was his house. Sirius stared at him from across the small kitchen. 

“Re…” Sirius began but his voice fell off. Remus didn’t know how to respond, he couldn’t find his voice. Remus tried to breathe in but his breath fell ragged, hyperventilating. “Re… can I get closer?” Remus shook his head. He could hear his heart beating in his chest, his five-year-old screams bouncing in his mind along his heartbeat. Sirius stayed where he was clearly struggling. Then Sirius left the room. 

_You don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve people who care about you. Sirius couldn’t handle it, no one can handle it. You’re nothing!_

The thoughts continued to spiral in Remus’ mind, he sat on the cold kitchen floor for what felt like hours though it was probably only a few minutes, before Sirius walked back into the kitchen on the phone. 

“Remus, can you name me three things you can see.” Sirius asked him calmly, kneeling on the floor beside him but leaving a large space in between them. Remus stared up at him unsure if he could speak. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. “Come on Re… just three things.” Remus shook his head. 

“The… the kitchen table….” He started. 

“Good, good, two more now.” 

“The tea kettle.” 

“Yes, good.” 

“And… you, I see you.” 

“Good, good, three things you can smell now.” Sirius helped Remus work through his grounding technique, they worked through it once and then had to redo two senses before Remus’ breathing got back under control. Remus didn’t see Sirius get up during it but at some point he had gotten him a cup of water and Remus drained it in one go and he heard Sirius acknowledge the phone, which he at that moment noticed was his. 

“Thanks Hope, he’s doing better now.” …. “No, you don’t need to come home, really he’s better.” …. “It was my fault, I triggered him.” …. “Don’t come home early.” …. “Ok, I’ll have him call you later.” …. “Ok, thanks Hope.” Sirius hung up the phone and handed it over to Remus. Remus stared at the floor but could feel Sirius’ eyes on him. 

“Can I help you back to your room? Or at least the couch?” Sirius asked. Remus nodded and allowed Sirius to help him up. He leaned on Sirius, feeling low energy from the panic attack and they walked back to his room. 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius began but Remus shook his head. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so broken. I understand if you want to leave me.” 

“What are you talking about Re?” Sirius asked. “I messed up, I know your past, I didn’t mean to trigger you.” 

“No, Siri, no, that’s not what it was.” Remus sighed. He wondered where his bravery from earlier had gone. “Can I show you something? Please don’t freak out.” 

“Remus, I would never freak out. You don’t have to show me though.” 

Remus made a fist, digging his nails into his palms and thinking hard. He realized that Sirius needed to know, he wanted things to continue with Sirius and this was one step to getting closer. He pulled at the collar of his shirt and pulled his shirt off completely, he closed his eyes against Sirius’ initial response only opening them when he heard a sharp sniff. He looked up at Remus with tears streaming down his face and Remus was taken aback. Sirius’ hand was halfway outstretched between them, as if he wanted to touch Remus but thought better of it. 

“You did these?” Sirius asked finally though it sounded more like a statement. Remus looked down at where Sirius was looking. Along his good hip and up his ribs was a litter of self-harm scars at differing angles and differing depths. Some thin white scar tissue, some long, red, and angry. The scars continued around and onto his stomach, they stopped just below his breastbone. “And this one?” Sirius nodded to Remus’ bad hip. 

“H-he did that one to me.” Remus explained and Sirius nodded. The scar was horrible, mangled, it started around his last rib and tucked under the seam of his pants. It wasn’t just one long scar like a slash but looked like a starburst, scars reaching out in every direction. “N-no one h-has ever s-s-seen them.” He didn’t know why he was stuttering now, he wished Sirius would stop crying. Sirius’ eyes met Remus’ and he spoke,

“Can I give you a hug?” It shocked Remus but he nodded all the same. 

“I suppose we can’t go back to before?” Remus forced out a chuckle and Sirius dissolved into laughter with his head pressed against the taller boy’s chest. 

Remus was once again shocked when he felt a small kiss planted right in the center of his chest. He looked down and met Sirius’ eyes before Sirius turned his head and kissed up from the spot, stopping on his shoulder. His head half buried in Remus’ shoulder, he asked, “Can I paint you Moony?” 

“What?” Remus jerked back to get a good look at Sirius.

“Like I do with sharpies in class… only, all of you.” He was looking at Remus with such sincerity, many didn’t know this about Sirius but he certainly knew when to be serious. “It’s ok if you’re not sure. I’m going to run home anyway, if you’re ok. I need to brush my teeth and get new clothes anyway.” 

“Oh right, yeah.” 

“I’ll pick up my paint supplies just in case. Will you be ok alone or do you want to come with me?”   
“I think I’ll stay here. I’m tired.” 

“Of course you are Moons.” Sirius chuckled and kissed him on the forehead. “Call your mum, yeah? Be back soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you're still reading and enjoying! I've been feeling low energy recently, low health; so hearing from you guys really motivates.
> 
> Also that grounding technique is amazing!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Moony and Padfoot are just sweet together and spend a lazy day in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I live in North America and know nothing about stargazing in Europe, so if I got some facts wrong feel free to correct me!

Ch 22

When Sirius returned, he let himself into the house and found Remus in the kitchen making sandwiches. Remus noted that Sirius gave him a bit more space than usual as he entered the kitchen, sitting down at the table and slinging his messenger bag on the back of the chair. 

“Want one?” Remus asked bringing his own sandwich up to his mouth. 

“Sure, thanks,” Sirius responded and Remus turned his back on him to work on preparing the food. He seemed both better and colder to Sirius, he couldn’t put his finger on it.

“Did you call your mum?” Sirius asked after several moments of silence, Remus brought over his lunch to the table and sat down himself. Remus nodded. “I didn’t mess up by calling her?” 

“No, you’re fine. She helped.” Remus said curtly with a very clear tone that stated the conversation was over. They ate in silence for a few minutes. Remus got up to turn the tea kettle on and he felt Sirius’ eyes on him but didn’t want to say anything about his phone call with Hope. Instead, Remus changed the subject. “There’s this new Netflix original, want to watch it together?” Sirius nodded. 

With cups of tea and snacks in their hands, they walked back to Remus’ room where he pulled up his laptop and they began to watch the show. Remus lay on his stomach and Sirius sat beside him, their bodies intertwining a bit. Remus jumped at soft fingers on his back as Sirius massaged invisible designs into his shirt. Remus had a minute of panic before calming himself; _Sirius is like this, he loves touch, and he’s seen the scars, and they don’t scare him._

“Top tattoo you’d want to get?” Sirius asked. Remus thought on this, staring at the characters acting out some dramatic family get together on his computer. 

“I don’t know if I want any tattoos,”

“Ok, but imagine you did.” Remus laughed at this.

“Maybe a moon? Like you’re always saying my episodes are full moons and embrace your fears and all that.” 

“The moon fits with the stars,” Sirius said absentmindedly still tracing his fingers along Remus’ back. 

“Paint them.” Remus stated. 

“Yeah? You’ll let me?” Sirius asked pulling his hand away.

Remus pulled his shirt off in reply. He began to shift on the bed but Sirius stilled him with a hand on his lower back, “Stay like this, be comfy. I’ll go get my paints.” He left the room to get his paints from where he had left them in the kitchen. 

The paint was cold as Sirius dripped it onto Remus’ back and it made him shiver. Then he remembered he ought to stay still. The movements of the brush and the cold of the paint soon became very comforting to Remus. It was oddly intimate without him feeling too exposed. He kept turning his head around to see Sirius’ face. Sirius would smile down at him and then return to a serious look of concentration. 

“We’re the brightest things in the sky, you know?” Sirius said making large brush strokes now along Remus’ spine. 

“Is that so? You know I don’t know anything about astronomy.” 

“We should stargaze sometime. The park by Prongs’ and mine is perfect, little light pollution.” Remus was going to respond but Sirius continued. “Sirius, the star, is one of the first to appear most nights, it’s brighter than all the other stars but sometimes it’s not easily spotted when it’s low on the horizon. When I was little, my dad taught me a skill. Find Orion’s belt, his belt points you to Sirius. We’re connected always. You know there's times in the year when the moon crosses the path of Sirius, passes right in front of it, outshines it and everything. You’re like that sometimes Moony. You don’t realize you’re the brightest thing in the sky but you are.” He kissed Remus then, just behind his ear. “People love you, you draw their eyes in. You’re so lovely.” He kissed Remus again on his cheek and then went back to painting. 

“A lot of my family is in the same system, Bellatrix is at the shoulder of Orion, my cousin Andromeda, she’s a whole galaxy but she never made you feel unimportant. My uncle Cygnus is a whole constellation, but he’s the swan so we used to make fun of him. Until he actually set a swan on us one day, we weren’t laughing after that. Then there’s Reggie, both his names are in the same part of the sky, Regulus Arcturus: the little prince, the brightest star in the lion. Ironic he’s a Slytherin, eh?” There was silence then aside from the little scratches the brush was making on his back. 

“I think you’re in a constellation too actually, Remus and Romulus, the Greeks loved putting their mythology up in the sky. I like you better as the moon though.” Sirius leaned back on his elbow, facing Remus. He surprised Remus then, kissing him squarely on the lips, Sirius leaned down then so he was laying his back on the bed, his face directly underneath Remus. They stayed like that for some time, just kissing, getting a feel for the other. The tv show long forgotten, paint brushes fallen to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you still reading? Oh man am I sorry for the delay! It's been almost a month!! So explanations in order. I was a bit sick with one of my many normal illnesses and then I was better and now I'm sick again but for a good reason cause I'm expecting!! Which is super exciting buuut I'm sick literally all day long, all the time. This little jelly bean had better be worth it! So any energy I have at the end of the day goes towards schoolwork for my masters, not this fanfiction, even though I love writing this! I miss writing Moony and Padfoot, they are so beautiful and sweet and awkward haha.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is bored so the Marauders go out on a Friday night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man.... it's been a time guys! I'm now halfway through my pregnancy and I feel both awful and great. I haven't been able to gain weight because I can't keep much food down. Which means I am low energy and laying in bed a lot. Then again, these extra hormones have really helped with my depression! So who knows. Anyway, I just reread my own fanfiction and thought of an idea. Not even sure it fits here, you tell me if you like it.

They decided not to tell anyone about their relationship just yet. They didn't want anything to get weird among the Marauders. When the four were together, they joked and chatted like everything was normal. Thankfully, they already had a history of being closer than two boys normally would be, always touching, leaning on each other, or holding hands. Remus found himself worried every time his arm brushed up against Sirius' when they were sitting around at James' house, but his fear was for nothing. James was still so wrapped up in Lily, and Peter so wrapped up in Mary. It had only been about a week that they had been together, sharing glances in class and secret kisses in rare moments they were by themselves, and Remus knew there was no turning back.  

Sirius was like this, he drew you in. Remus swore he would be better about talking to Alice and to developing his new friendship with Lily, but his spare time was spent thinking about, talking to, and being with Sirius. Sometimes Sirius would smile at Remus from across a room, he would wink or stick his tongue out as if he couldn't even take himself seriously, and Remus would just melt.  _This man is so perfect_ he would think often. They were still trying to take things slow, now that Remus' parents were back in town, Sirius was avoiding sneaking over to sleepover. They just didn't trust themselves much. When they were alone together, Remus always pulled out a book or else offered to watch Sirius paint something; they avoided laying in bed together. Yet, the weekend had come and it was hard to avoid as the four found themselves spread across the Potter's living room again on a Friday night. 

It wasn't too long after school let out as they laid about eating snacks and talking their next prank when Sirius declared that they should do something tonight. 

"We are doing something." James pointed out.

"Nooo, like go out something. Go to a club, get proper drunk." 

"I don't drink." Remus reminded him over the top of the book he was pretending to read. 

"Well perfect, you can be our d.w." Sirius said excitedly, looping an arm around Remus' shoulder. Remus shrugged him off.

"D.W.?" 

"Designated walker of course. Oh and bring your cane! Makes you look older, helps us get drinks." 

"So glad my disability is convenient for you," Remus said dryly. He looked to James and Peter, "You guys can chime in at any time?" 

"I kinda want to go out though..." James admitted. Peter nodded.

"Can I invite Mary?" 

"Oh, do you think Evans will come! Invite her Moony will you!" 

"No." Remus returned to his book only to be interrupted by Sirius putting his head right in the book (and Remus' lap). Remus felt his face blush and hoped the others didn't notice. 

"Please Moony please." 

"Yeah Moony!" James chimed in, "Pleeeease." 

"It'll be fun, dancing, girls...uh boys?" Peter tried to add.

"I can't dance." Remus lifted his cane as an indicator. 

"Well then come for the people!" James offered. 

"Ugh! Fine!" Remus conceded, putting his book down. The other three cheered! James and Peter quickly turning to text Mary to join them while Sirius kept his attention on Remus. "What else do you want Pads?" He pretended to be annoyed. 

"Moons is going to help me get ready!" Sirius declared, pulling Remus up and all but dragging him upstairs. James just waved his hand an 'ok sure' in response. 

Then they were alone in Sirius' room. Sirius took all of two seconds to size up Remus before pushing him against the door to kiss him deeply. His right hand winding their way around Remus' waist, his left absentmindedly tugging at Remus' short curls. "Missed you Moons." He said as he pulled up for breath. "Misse--" Remus didn't get a chance to reply before being pulled back into a kiss. Sirius' hand was now playing with the waistband of Remus' school pants.

"Eager are we?" Remus smiled into the kiss. 

"Been thinking..." Sirius trailed kisses down Remus' neck.

"Uh oh." 

"I think you'll like it." 

"Do you now?"  

"Mmhmm." Sirius hummed against his neck. 

"Hey careful," Remus laughed, "you'll leave a mark." 

"Let them see! Let everyone know you're taken." 

"You wanna go downstairs and tell Prongs?" 

"Good point." Sirius pulled him into another short kiss and nipping at his lip, "You're too smart Moons." 

"Someone has to be." 

"Mmm and you talk too much." They returned to making out when a knock on the door made them jump. 

"You two snogging in there or something?" 

"Shit, you caught us." Sirius barked out in laughter. "What do you want Prongs?" 

"Want to get pizza before we go out." 

"Yes" Remus said, trying to calm his face, at the same time as Sirius said, "still getting ready." 

"Alright well hurry up!" They heard James' footfalls headed back downstairs and Remus sighed. He gave Sirius a slight shove.

"Now you actually have to get ready, I'm starved," He stuck out his tongue at Sirius and fell back onto his bed as Sirius sorted through the clothes on his floor. 

"You're always starved, that's why you're a million meters tall... ah ha!" He declared pulling out a pair of black jeans with rips all over them. Without an ounce of embarrassment, he stripped off his school uniform and threw on the sinfully tight jeans and a faded black band t-shirt. "You gonna go out in your uniform?" Sirius cocked an eyebrow at Remus who just rolled his eyes. He had some clothes he kept over here from far too many sleepovers and forgetting clothes. "No grandpa jumpers!" Sirius added though he was distracted searching in a dresser drawer for something. 

"You pick me out something then," Remus knew better to argue and slipped out of the room to change his pants. He came back in some modest jeans with his school shirt still on, to find Sirius cussing at the mirror. Upon moving closer, Remus realized that he was trying to put something in his eyes.  _He doesn't wear contacts,_ he thought confused and came to sit on the bed. Then he noticed Sirius wasn't trying to put something in his eye but instead on his eye. He had in his hand an eyeliner pen and on the dresser an open eyeshadow pallet. "Merde!" Sirius said again seeming to have poked himself in the eye. "I've been learning on youtube, but I swear this is so much harder than it looks." Remus chuckled. 

"Come here Pads." Remus patted the bed. "I've helped Alice before." He added lest Sirius be worried he wasn't qualified. When they were done, Sirius had the perfect night out eyes that just made his grey eyes more beautiful than ever. Remus almost suggested they forget going out altogether for how good Sirius looked, when they were interrupted again.  

"How long does it take to get ready!" James said opening the door and followed by Peter. Upon seeing Sirius, James let out a joking wolf whistle, to which Sirius rolled his eyes. He had pulled a brush off the floor and handed it to Remus. 

"Make me pretty." He instructed.

"It's going to take a lot more than a brush, mate." James joked, "What's up with all this? Planning to pull?" Sirius shrugged. 

"Maybe I am." He joked back hitting James' shoulder. Remus couldn't help feel a tug of jealousy. 

"Sit still Padfoot." He ordered, though he honestly didn't know what he was doing. After a minute of brushing Sirius' hair, he admitted such and all the boys laughed. Sirius' hair honestly had not grown enough yet to do anything to anyway, only landing in a short bob behind his ears, so Sirius just threw the brush back on the floor and declared he was ready to go. Remus, still in his school shirt, quickly grabbed one of Sirius' t-shirts and changed in the bathroom. He came out a moment later and the four headed out to the bus stop. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More on their night in the next chapter.
> 
> I honestly don't know which country I'm trying to make them live in. Half the time I feel it would be easier to describe America, half the time I want to stay as close to book canon and keep them in the London area. Are they old enough to drink? Do they have fakes? When can you get into bars? I really don't know. Hope that doesn't detract from the plot.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus goes missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight POV change for the chapter.

_Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_

22:16 Hey wyg?

22:19 we're getting worried.

_Missed call from Sirius Black_

_Missed call from James Potter_

_Missed call from Peter Pettigrew_

 

_James Potter to the Marauders_

22:38 chkd btrms no moony 

_Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_

22:45 pls tell us where you are 

 

_Calling Sirius Black...._

"Moons what the actual hell! Where are you!" 

"I'm jusss outsiide jeeeez, calm doooown Pads."  

"Calm down! Calm down?! It's been over an hour! Where'd you go?! Are you drunk?" 

"Shhhhh," Remus giggled, he honest to God giggled. "Jussss had a feeew." 

"Are you even supposed to drink on your meds? Jesus Christ! I'm coming to get you." 

"Dooon't, stayyy with your date." 

"Date? My date? Fuck, Remus."

"I-hic-I'm goin home." 

_Call Ended._

 

In their search for Remus, the other three Marauders were all just riding a healthy buzz, having come down from their drunk. Sirius was standing in a quiet corner of the bar away from the others to talk to Remus, so when he had hung up, Sirius raced over to get the other two urging them to leave their drinks and find Remus. Mary was still with them, having come with Peter and offered to help in the search. 

"He's been drinking." 

"Fuck! Who gave him a drink?" James swore, doubling his pace. 

"Is he even allowed to drink?" Peter asked timidly. 

"Definitely not," Sirius said, he was biting at his nails and searching around. "He said he was outside." 

\---

Thankfully, Remus couldn't get too far on his cane. Even with the liquor helping him to ignore the pain. He had made it a few blocks down and was leaning against a storefront when Sirius came across him, the others just behind him. His eyes were glossy and he didn't seem too steady on his feet. For being so vocal on the phone, he was suddenly very silent and timid in front of his friends. 

"Come on," James finally said upon the awkward situation, "Let's get you home." 

"I was goin home." Remus slurred. 

"Oh yeah? How's that working out for you?" James asked, a bit of anger in his voice. 

"Fiiiine. Juss takin a break." James just shook his head and ordered an uber for them all on his phone. They dropped Mary and then Peter off at their respective houses before the car pulled up at James'. Remus still looked like he was swimming, so Sirius and James took him by each arm and helped him up to Sirus' bed then they went across the hall to talk in James' room.

"I've never seen him like this,"  James said worriedly. Sirius was biting his nails again, "What got into him tonight?" Sirius didn't want to admit he might've had something to do with it so instead he changed the subject, suggesting they talk to Fleamont and Euphemia. 

"This is different than if it was just you and I... he's on some serious stuff. What if...." 

"Don't go there, Sirius." James warned but considered his words, "yeah, I'll go wake them. You stay with him?" Sirius nodded and both boys left the room. 

Sirius looked over at Remus, hunched over on his bed, and his heart stopped for the fraction of a second until he saw Remus take a breath. He went over to him, pulling the taller boy into his arms. "Hey Moons, stay with me." He whispered, planting a kiss to his curls. "Mmm," Remus responded but Sirius wasn't sure he was fully conscious. Whether sleeping or unable to stay awake, he wasn’t sure.  

James' parents had called Remus' who agreed it best for Remus to get checked out. Sirius reluctantly stayed behind after helping Remus into the back of Hope's car. He didn’t think he would be sleeping much that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I do this to these boys. They just need to communicate but they’re teenagers.  
> I have never "drunk texted", like I still would use punctuation and shit lol. So just shortened a lot of words for the Marauders haha.


	25. Chapter 25

_Remus Lupin to the Marauders_

5:25 Sorry. 

_James Potter to the Marauders_

8:10 You ok? 

_Remus Lupin to the Marauders_

8:11 Hungover? but fine. Grounded for life. 

_James Potter to the Marauders_

8:12 shell forget about it in no time 

 

 

_Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_

9:15 Glad you're safe Moons. 

_Read at 9:15._

 

_Peter Pettigrew to the Marauders_

9:18 gld ur sfe m8! 

_Remus Lupin to the Marauders_

9:20 thanks

 

_Sirius Black to Remus Lupin_

9:24 Did I do something

_Remus Lupin is typing..._

 

_Remus Lupin to the Marauders_

9:25 mum said no visitors, going home soon.

 

_Sirius Black to James Potter_

9:30 Moons won't talk to me 

_James Potter to Sirius Black_

9:31 he's in the gc now 

_Sirius Black to James Potter_

9:31 yah but he wont answer my texts

_James Potter to Sirius Black_

9:32 *shrugging emoji* a nurse is probably bugging him calm down dramaqueen

_Sirius Black to James Potter_

9:33 yah ok. want breakfast? 

_James Potter to Sirius Black_

9:33 ate after my run, lazy! 

_Sirius Black to James Potter_

9:33 nerd. 


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus overreacted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to Remus' POV

Remus fell onto his bed after getting home with as much grace as a cow being tipped over, but he didn't care. He was exhausted and hurt. His parents had just spent the last however many hours in the hospital and ride back yelling at him. To be fair, Hope wasn't so angry with him over the underage drinking, what she was mad about was how foolish he had been mixing all his meds and alcohol together. 

Remus had not set out to get drunk last night, he hadn't been thinking about how his body would react, doubling the effects of the alcohol once it combined with his meds. He really hadn't been thinking at all. Because Sirius had looked amazing. Sirius had been walking sex in those skinny jeans and the eyeliner. Every time he smiled at Remus, his eyes would light up too. Only, he hadn't spent much time smiling at Remus.

When they had walked into the bar, James had insisted they start the night with shots of some blue liquid. He bought Remus a cream soda, and the night was fun. Sirius had wanted to dance, and Remus with his hip and the pain through his leg had to sit it out. He admired the way Sirius moved, free from the constraints of his family, of years of oppression and self-hatred. Remus was envious of his boyfriend's ease through life; Sirius always had a joke ready, a laugh in the corner of his eyes. When the sound ended, Sirius bounded back to Remus for another shot thrown into his hand by James. Sirius even looked great with sweat shining on his face. When James and Peter, now distracted by Mary's arrival, looked away, Sirius tried to lean in for a kiss but Remus rejected him, a warning look at Sirius. Maybe if he had let Sirius kiss him, he'd have felt different. 

So Sirius went back to dancing and attracted quite a bit of attention. Of course, he did, who wouldn't want to be pressed up against someone who looked like a god fallen to the earth. Remus couldn't help but stare and was thankful that James and Peter were distracted. Remus had looked down to fish out his phone and grab a blackmail worthy snapshot of Sirius dancing drunkenly with four girls who didn't realize they had no chance, yet when he looked at his phone screen he noticed someone else had joined them. 

Remus recognized him, but only vaguely. He had gone to Hogwarts, maybe the same year as Alice, he wasn't sure. All he knew was that he was too close to Sirius and whispering something in his ear to which Sirius was laughing. Remus, with his phone still out snapped a picture to Alice-- _who is he?_

_that's Benjy --_ A quick response came from Alice, then --  _where'd you go tonight!_

_gay?_ \--Remus ignored her question instead staring at the way Benjy was putting his hands on Sirius. 

_oooh yeah_ \--Alice replied, her little bitmoji popped up again, she was typing something, but Remus locked his phone and threw it back in his pocket, not wanting to know another word about this man who Sirius was now honest to God grinding against. Remus walked back up to the bar. 

"Another cream soda?" The bartender asked with a wink. 

"Actually... no." Remus decided in that moment that if Sirius was having fun, he should be able to as well. Plus, it was time to put his fake ID to use. Remus ordered something that didn't taste an ounce like alcohol and went down easy. It didn't take long for his senses to feel dulled and his body relaxed. He didn't even feel the pain in his hip anymore. Screw pain medicine, he just needed more drinks! By the time he started his second drink, he didn't care who Sirius was dancing with, in fact, let him! It's not like they were together  _together_. And that was Remus' fault afterall, he wanted to keep it a secret, he hadn't even wanted to be out. Maybe Sirius wanted to be with someone who was "oooh yeah" out instead. Someone who could dance with him and even walk without a fucking cane. Remus downed the rest of his drink and with one final glance at Sirius on the dance floor, decided he had needed some air. 

So now, Remus just lay staring at his ceiling thinking about how he had really messed up. He had caused stress for his parents AND the Potters last night, he had pulled Peter and James away from a fun night they needed to have. He had pulled Sirius away from a guy who would have been ten times better. Remus didn't even care that he was grounded now, he doubted anyone wanted to see him right now anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Remus, why are you always putting yourself last? 
> 
>  
> 
> My back hurts sooo bad today guys. I feel like how I describe Remus only when you're pregnant you can't take anything but tylenol :(


End file.
